The Border of Everything and Nothing

KUNGALOOSH!!

2008-06-29T12:56:00.001-05:00

Disney is closing Pleasure Island!! All 6 bars and clubs including Adventurers Club, 8Trax, and Comedy Warehouse, will close September 27th!

Read Disneys stupid official statement here. (Go here to read message board discussion of this.) Basically they are saying that the demand from the customers was to keep Disney more family friendly... so they are revamping PI with more resturants and retail centers... like Disney doesnt already have enough of those! PI is the only adult entertainment on property! We go there almost every night on vacation! We are devastated. Mostly for the Adventurers Club, a fantastic interactive bar/club experience and an iconic Disney location.

There has been some rumor that AC will reopen as the port or entry to a new park that disney is building, Night Kingdom, which will be an adults only, evening park themed as a privately guided animal intaction park... (read: $300 entrance fee to swim with dolphins, feed the elephants, etc. in the evenings with a private guide). But that wont open for several years and... does that mena I have to pay $300 just to go the Adventurers Club?? It is possible that the closing of PI is a way for Disney to force its adult crowd to eventually head to this new park in the evenings... but seriously... $300??? Who can afford to do that every night for a week??

Matt and I signed the online petition to save the Adventurers Club below. We would love you to sign it too and forward this email to as many disney lovers as you possibly can!
Lets let Disney know that adults want to have fun at Disney too, and not just if we can afford to pay $300 per night for it!!Click to sign the Petition: http://www.PetitionOnline.com/wdwaclub/Thanks for your support!!

Matt & Leigh Anne

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

2008-03-04T17:38:00.002-05:00

To be fair and square, this was posted last week by Guilty Secret, but I had never read it before and I just love it. So im putting it here to share with all of you... and so I dont forget it.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Louis de Bernieres

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

Grandma T

2008-02-25T22:42:00.002-05:00

In the interest of keeping everyone here in the loop, my grandmother passed away on Friday evening. Technically she was my step-father's mother, which I guess makes her my step-grandmother.

She had been sick for a while. She had some kind of "blood disease" for that past 20 years that made her very weak and frail and for the past 2 years or so she has been in congestive heart failure, basically going in and out of the hospital constantly. In the last few months it had gotten very bad. She didnt come to Christmas at my parents house for the first time ever this year. She was home on Thursday morning and they took her to the hospital I think for complications from a bladder or kidney infection. She was fine on Thursday night but then Friday morning she started having difficulty breathing and by the time the repiratory therapist got there she was in cardiac arrest. They revived her but she was comatose and on a respirator. Things werent looking good so my step-dad's brother called and we all rushed out to Long Island.

As a side note, this was mid-snowstorm and I had just finished shoveling 3 driveways when I got the call! We took the train into the city then the LIRR onto LI and then the local train into Commack. It was like a 2.5 hour trip. I think we got there around 4:30pm.

She was stable when we got there, but like I said things werent looking good. She was on lots of dopamine to get her heart rate and blood pressure up, but her oxygen levels and urine output werent good, meaning her lungs and kidneys were failing. They tried several times to suction her lungs and hyperventalate her, but by about 6pm they decided they had done all they could do. It was very sad, but really all things considered you couldnt have hoped for it to be any better than it was. She had recently been having lots of conversations with Grandpa wherein she was basically saying "enough is enough already." She was in lots of pain, especially her hands and feet and skin in general. We dont think she would ever have wanted to be on a respirator in the first place. And all of her immediate family was present- her husband, kids and grandkids. We all sat with her during her final moments, holding her hands, telling her it was OK and she didnt have to be scared. Im pretty sure she could hear everything we were saying, at least subconsiously. At the very end she was doing a lot of trying to move her head and blinking and looking around... like she was making a last stand to try to say goodbye to her loved ones and tell them "I love you". It was very sad but this one is really a blessing. She was tired of suffering and all things considered this was very fast and everyone who loved her was there.

Grandma and I weren't all that close really. Things were rough between us when my parents first got married. I felt like she never really accepted my mother or I into her family... but then again I was a bratty 12 year old at the time. In recent years our relationship had improved dramatically, though never to that "grandmotherly" place. I sincerely hope that when it is my time to go it can be like it was for her- I will be old and happy and surrounded by loved ones and it will be mercifully swift.

The saddest part of this whole thing fro me is really seeiong the hearache that Grandpa and my step-dad and brother are going through. It has been really rough on them. And the love that Grandpa T had fro Grandma was just incredible. Truely something out of "The Notebook". To be loved someday by someone the way that he loves her.... its just hearwrenching to watch him loose her. They were the kind of couple that still held hands everywhere they went and cuddled beside each other on the couch to watch TV.

Anyway, the wake is tomorrow and Wednesday and the funeral in Thursday, all 2 hours away on Long Island, so we'll be staying out there the rest of the week. Just wanted everyone to know where I was so you didnt think I was abandoning you again. Thank you in advance for all you warm thoughts and prayers.

Stream of consiousness...

2008-02-20T22:32:00.003-05:00

Alright already!! Im here, Im here!

Work sux. My kids are annoying me and Im running out of patience which you shouldnt do in my profession. But the staff are worse. We're forming a union, which we really need, but now every day is just a mess of people bitching and moaning about something.

Being an IT person at work in my free time sux even more. Im ready to quit that gig, fer serious...

Going to the gym every day sux. But Ive lost 13 pounds.

Quitting smoking sux. Well it sucked. So I gave up. Ill re-quit any time now.

My sister came from Ohio for a visit last weekend. That was pretty cool, but we did the "show the mid-westerners NYC and Atlantic city" thing and that kinda sucked. It was a long weekend.

Planning a family reunion to Disney in April for 12 people really sux. Im so excited to go, but no one will give us a straight answer about anything and they all think Im a pain in the ass for bugging them about where they are eating dinner 2 months from now... but seriously... have you ever tried to make 10 sperate dinner reservations for 12 people??

Valentines day was excellent, very low key. Hubby made dinner and we spent the night in, but it was nice. No gifts. Cuz we're kinda broke.

If Uncle Same dicks us out of a refund check again this year Im moving to Europe. Did I mention we are really damn broke? If we owe money again Im going to shoot the accountant... wait the accountant is my mother... nevermind.

Had to re-do the pipes in the house a few weeks ago, right after christmas, right after my birthday, right after the 1-year interest free was up on the sears bill we rang up furnishing the house... basement is leaking again... we really need a sump pump. Did I mention how broke we are?

I really need to quit this tech job that ist worth three times what I make for doing it for all the agrevation it causes. I should start doing some early intervention or private therapy... I could charge $100 an hour for that. That would help. But I would really NEVER be home then. I would have to start the day at 5:15am, be at the gym by 5:45, in the gym shower by 6:45 on the road by 7:30.... then I would have to work all day and then do EI in the afternoons like 4-6 at least 2 or 3 days a week and maybe some on Saturdays... I just dont know if I can handle that. But it would get us out of debt. I think I mostly dont want to do it because there is no comparable way for hubby to earn extra income and I would be bitter that I was killing myself bending over backwards to pay the bills while he got to come home every day. Well that, and I would actually have to spend the $300 to get my private practice liscense from the state. The paperwork has been filled out and sitting at the bottom of a pile for a year. Maybe I could borrow the money from my accountant? I dunno. I SHOULD do that. Right? Becasue any way I COULD help us I SHOULD... right?

*Sigh*

Im sorry for the blog abandonment. I work 7:30-3:30 then work tech till like 4 then commute till like 4:45 then go to the gym till like 6 then come home and hubby cooks and then I do dishes and we make lunches then I shower and fall into bed at like 10. Im just tired. I have nothing inspiring to say and I am too emotionally and physically drained to bitch about anything.

I hope everyone is doing well. Big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Feels Like Home today!

Birdy did you sell that damn condo yet? Find a nice girl yet?

Corky, is Jr off to college yet or do I still have I not been away quite that long?

Everyone else.... well I will resuming blogging when I have something mroe interesting to day and more time to say it in. Right now the gym and planning Disney are taking over my life. That and figuring out how to pay the mortgage this month...

Anyway...

2008-02-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Happy Birthday!

2008-01-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

Today is my 28th birthday! I think Im OK with 28... It does sound awfully old though. Hopefully this will be a good year. Ive lost 10lbs and quit smoking... hopefully this is the year I will return myself to health and fitness.

Anyway... No real big plans for the birthday. This weekend about 15 of us went out to the local watering hole and got smashed in celebration and tonight My parents, my brother and his girlfriend, Hubby's mom and brother, and our neighbor are coming over for family pizza dinner. Usually we go out someplace (cuz I love going out to eat) but all I have wanted since getting back on my diet is greasy pizzeria pizza.... and so since its my birthday that's what I'm gonna do! In lieu of birthday cake I think there will be some Coldstone Cake Batter ice cream. MMmmm..

This Friday two of my best friends and I are going out for Birthday Dinner... an annual tradition since their birthdays are the 19th and 30th of January. Haven't seen either of them in a while so it will be really good to catch up.

And that's all. Just another ordinary day. I have an IEP this morning and then I took a half a personal day so I get to leave work at 11:45. Thought I would get the gym out of the way early and them maybe watch a movie on the couch.

I know Mom got me a pair of Uggs that haven't come in yet. Still crossing my fingers for a spa gift certificate from Hubby.... wish me luck!

Take me baby or leave me!

2008-01-09T09:38:00.000-05:00

"Joanne: Take me for what I am!
Maureen: A control freak!
Joanne: Who I was meant to be!
Maureen: A snob yet over attentive!
Joanne: And, if you give a damn!
Maureen: A lovable droll, geek!
Joanne: Take me baby or leave me!
Maureen: And anal retentive!
Both: That's it!
Joanne: The straw that breaks my back!
Both: I quit!
Joanne: Unless you take it back!
Both: Women,
Maureen:What is it about them?
Both: Can't live, with them or without them!

Take me for what I am!
Who I was meant to be!
And if you give a damn,
Take me baby,
Or leave me!
Take me baby or leave me!"
-Rent

So Gina and I talked. She read the blog, which I knew she would, and we finally got it all out in the open. Im not entirely sure what to report... we talked for almost an hour, but Im not really sure what the answers are. We determined we were mostly both hurt over miscommunications and misunderstandings. A lot of our problems stem from the following facts:

1. She is hyper-sensitive and I am super defensive and critical.
2. She throws up walls as a means of self-preservation and I throw verbal spars.
3. She over-analyzed everything someone says (or doesnt say) to her and I speak off the cuff without thinking.
4. She is extremely stubborn, sticks to her guns, and hold grudges, and I am a push-over, a people pleaser, an approval seeker, and a peace keeper.
5. She needs affirmation that the people in her life who love her really do love her, but I am super independent, introspective, and a bit aloof.

We are (and have always been) total opposites. But that's why we work as friends... everyone needs a little input in life from a polar opposite.

But given the above facts, we are prone to these kinds of miscommunications, unintentional injuries and misunderstandings. I say something careless (meaning to be sarcastic, funny, or mearly neutral) and she overanalyzes, assumes Im saying something hurtful because she is so sensitive, and throws up a wall to protect herself. If she does try to mention it to me, I get defensive and try to explain away what was said, what doesnt appease her so she goes away angry. She is too stubborn to talk about it but I want to keep the peace and make her happy so I try to talk it through with her but she pushes me away and I get defensive and start throwing verbal spars, making her further hurt. By the time we are both in the correct emotional place to talk, it has come to such a head that what could have been a bump in the road has turned in to a mountain to climb.

She also needs daily affirmation that the people in her life who love her really do love her, but I am super independent, a bit aloof, and a Type-A who gets so stressed out by daily life that I forget to call or email or write... or go out... so if I get too distant she pulls away or throws up a wall to protect herself from hurt (just in case I was pulling away), and we go through all of the above all over again.

Her sensitivity and my criticisms cause a lot of problems between us, but it also makes her one of the most caring, giving, and loving people I know and my critical nature it the reason I am such a good assesser of people and situations and such a good advice giver.

So what was actually said in the conversation we had? Well, all of the above... and I did a lot of apologizing for things... things that I said and did which unintentionally hurt her. Gina did a lot of agreeing with the situational assessments that I was making, but not so much apologizing.

I intellectually know that her calling and making the effort to talk IS her apologizing. I know that. And I know that there are some people who just CANT apologize because it shows some kind of weakness. But emotionally, it would have felt good to hear an apology for screaming and hanging up on me, for believing other people blindly without respecting me enough to find out if anything she heard was true, for waiting 4 months to make the time to call me and talk about it... I am GENUINELY sorry that I did things to hurt her and I freely acknowledged it and apologized for it. I know she knows what she did to hurt me and I just wish she could have acknowledged it too. I freely admit my part in the mess and I feel badly about it, but... one person being hurt is just hurt. Its when two people get hurt that it becomes an argument. It takes two to Tango I guess...

Anyway, the peace keeper in me will put all that aside... Im glad we talked. I dont know if we're ready to have a slumber party and play spin the bottle yet, but its a start.

Gina

2008-01-04T07:55:00.000-05:00

11/25/07:

I don't think Gina and I are going to be friends any more.

It's very sad to me.

I wish I could say exactly what happened but I just don't know.

I was feeling like she was being standoffish with me since I got home from Venice in August but didn’t want to bring it up in case it was nothing (she has a new boyfriend, and full time school, and full time work, and full time diet and gym... maybe she was just busy). I should have approached her then and maybe none of this would have happened.

Then there was some drama in her classroom at school and there was a scene made and you know how people in a school can talk after a scene has been made... People kept approaching me as her best friend to ask me what happened (because after it went down she was absent the next day) AND EVEN THOUGH IN MY HEART I DISAGREED WITH HER ACTIONS THAT LED UP TO THE INCIDENT I went out of my way to try to be very PC to everyone who asked me, making sure that I told both sides of the story to the best of my knowledge specifically because I knew she had been on weird ground with me lately and I wanted to be as objective as possible. But I did caution each person that I talked to with the fact that I wasn’t exactly sure about any of the information because Gina and I hadn’t really been chummy for a while. I think my flaw came in the fact that after I said that I asked them each not to tell her that I had said that because I didn’t want her to approach me thinking something was wrong on my end because it wasn’t. I was happy as a pig in shit that she was finally dating a good guy and going back to school and getting her diet back on track. I swear. But unfortunately someone must have either a) overheard only half of the story I was telling or b) only overheard me telling someone "don’t tell Gina i said that", or c) heard exactly what I was saying but decided to embellish the details to gain favor in Gina's eyes and/or throw a wedge between us in hopes of becoming closer with Gina them self. Either way, someone (who I don’t know) told Gina something (that I don’t know) and she got very angry, called me, yelled at me, said hurtful things and hung up, telling me not to attempt to call her back or send her emails to apologize. She refused to tell me what I supposedly said, saying only "you think about it and call me back when you figure it out." Real grown up way to argue huh? Just through all your shit on someone and run. You feel great, they feel awful. Don't give them a change to explain or clarify or even apologize. Because really, she didn’t want an apology or explanation. She didn’t want to understand. She just wanted to be mad. What sux is that all this was AFTER I had been going out of my way to be objective in my story of what happened anyway. I should have just told everyone I knew nothing and kept my damn mouth shut. Yeah they all would've known I was lying but there would have been less chance for drama. And I still don’t know what I supposedly said that warranted 3 months of silent treatment. The one thing I supposedly said that she did mention, I told her right then I didn’t say. I told her who said it, that girl freely admits it, yet she’s not mad at her... only at me.... hmmm...

I have a three strikes rule. I give people three chances in life. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you better have a damn good explanation. Third time shame on me. I gave her a week or so to cool down, then texted her "wanna go for dinner this week and talk". She texted back, "I will let you know" and then I never heard from her. Waited 3 weeks, texted "you can’t stay mad at me forever without telling me why or even bothering to find out if its true. U guys are gonna miss our best party ever on Saturday. I miss u". She texted back "I am in class right now, we will talk later." OK. Never heard from her. So a week later, the night of our Halloween party, I text her to say "U really should come tonight. Lets just call a truce. 8pm. wear a costume." She texts me back "we have another party to go to." Okey dokey. Shame on me. I should have just stopped trying.

But now, in typical Leigh Anne style, I continue trying to be nice and cordial in the halls at school, trying to make small talk and move forward, trying to be the better person. We progress a little to a very uncomfortable point of civility wherein we talk about normal things in the presence of coworkers but don’t really talk about anything, get me drift? We never really discuss what happened.

One morning I’m upset and sick and I open up a little about all the shit that been going down in my life and she mentions that my mom sent her 2 emails asked her what was going on between us and were we going to work it out. She tells me that she told my mom she wanted to talk to me, but she wanted to wait until she had the time to sit down and do it in person and really talk and she had just had midterms. OK... but she never told me that until then. She could have texted me that much just to let me know she at least intended to talk to me. Whatever. Then no progress at all.

Last week her great aunt died and she tried to call me and tell me about it but I was stuck on that train from Boston and she didn’t want to text. So I found out from the absentee list at work that she had a bereavement day and when I texted her "what happened?" she told me to ask her boyfriend. OK... no problem. Services are Saturday. I didn’t know Aunt Jo, Gina and I are still fighting I guess, but I wanted to go as a show of good faith and because I knew she would want me to. Too bad I forget about this and planned Second Thanksgiving with both Hubby and my families so we could all get together before his dad went back overseas. But I go out of my way to make sure I can make it to the services, waking up early, leaving instructions for Hubby, having him help me clean, etc. I really should stop going out of my way for people. It never turns out right and no one ever does it for me.

Well... it was all going OK until Gina's sister stood to greet some people and I noticed that the slit in the back of her black pencil skirt was slit all the way up to her ass cheeks, which were exposed when she walked. I though perhaps the skirt had ripped and someone might want to mention it to her (I’m not that close to her) so I turn to her boyfriend and say "What’s with Chrissy's skirt... you let her out of the house like that?" in a very joking tone of voice just in case it wasn’t ripped and she intended it to be that way. He laughed and said "yeah, I know, she looks hot, right?" Hmm. Guess he didn’t see anything wrong with the skirt, but then he's a boy so I turn to Gina and say “what’s up with Chrissy’s skirt, if she breaths the wrong way everyone going to see a whole lot more than she wants them to see." Gina kind of shrugs it off like, "I dunno". At this point Gina's cousin and I exchange a look like, "no one thinks this skirt is inappropriate? WTF?" and we kind of shrug our shoulders and move on. I would like to emphasize that at no point was there laughter. Anyway, 10 minutes later the services still haven’t started but I have to leave cuz its time to put the turkey in the oven and I didn’t leave Hubby instructions for that so I say bye to everyone and I leave. Again, I should’ve just let her be exposed and kept my mouth shut.

I'm home cooking and cleaning like a mad woman an hour later when I get a call. Its Chrissy and she is screaming at me about how she heard "from Gina and my boyfriend" that I was "making fun of" (??) her skirt being slit so high and "calling her names" (???) and that Sonia told her how I was "laughing hysterically at my skirt" (????) and that she would have me know that her skirt split when she sat down and she wore boots specifically not to seem overexposed (huh?)...and on and on... until she was done screaming... then she made a comment that I must just be jealous of Gina and her because they both got skinny, actually I think it was, "I'm sorry if you got big and we got skinny" and then she hung up! WTF! What is with these girls? Did someone really teach them in life that screaming and hanging up was an appropriate way to deal with conflict? Jesus Christ! I'm so damn tired of being yelled at, called names and hung up on! Why does it seem like I am the only adult I know? The only one who can have a discussion instead of an arguement to solve a conflict? This is what I get for trying to help people.

I called her back later that night to try to explain what happened from my side cuz hearing her rendition was like listening to something from the twilight zone and she sort of listened. Apparently her boyfriend had no idea what i was talking about when I mentioned it and thought I was commenting that she looked overexposed for wearing knee high boots and a slit pencil skirt to a funeral... (*no comment). Still not sure how the laughing was involved. Then she either hung up on me again or we got disconnected but at this point I no longer cared enough to call her back.
What really grinds my gears is that there is no part of me that thinks that Gina really thought I was being malicious or mean when I asked her about Chrissy's skirt. Her ass was exposed at a funeral. But obviously when the gossip mill started running after the services she didn’t defend me, she didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt, she didn’t say anything along the lines of "I'm sure that was not what she meant". She did nothing to help me in any way after I just went out of my way to make a show of good faith by being at that funeral. Why would I go out of my way and then do something to intentionally ruffle the waters? But she let her sister call me and yell at me anyway. Are there not people out there who will care about me as much as I care about them?

I feel like since all this started, or even before, since August, I have had to tiptoe around Gina making sure not to say or do anything that might possibly be misconstrued or misinterpreted. But I keep failing miserably, She got pissed cuz I left her moms birthday party early in September with a migraine and a Hubby who had back surgery 3 days prior. She got pissed cuz apparently I forgot to introduce her parents to my next door neighbor at my moms play... which Gina didn’t even attend. I cannot win and I am done trying. Which is why I think we are probably not going to be friends anymore, and it makes me sad. But you shouldn’t have to work so hard and be so careful and put on so many filters around your best friends. You also shouldn’t have to constantly worry that your best friends are analyzing your every move, just waiting fro you to fuck up so they can tell you about it. Friendship shouldn’t be so damn hard.

The worst part of all this for me is that this has been going on for 3 months. She said she was waiting to have the time to sit down and talk to me. She’s gone on vacation twice, taken Sonia's kids trick or treating, gone to the gym 6 days a week... at no point in 3 months was I important enough for her to find 1 hour of time to sit down and talk to me?? Our friendship wasn’t worth her missing one day at the gym?

I'm just tired of fighting. OK, I'm mostly tired of being screamed at for reasons that people either refuse to explain to me or don’t make any sense at all to me. I'm a good person with a good heart, good family, and good friends. I don’t deserve this shit.

Then today, to cap it all off, she tries to make small talk with me in the hall as if nothing happened this weekend. It’s insulting to me for her to completely ignore all the hurt and anguish that she and her sister has been causing me and just go on like nothing happened. I'm angry at her for letting this drama happen with her sister and I'm still hurt that she didn't care enough about our friendship or my feelings to sit down and talk to me about what happened in the first place. She wanted to tell me we should talk about what we are going to talk about on Thursday when we run a reunion committee meeting together... SO don’t want to do that. I don’t want to talk to her at all. Certainly not nicely. But now if I make a stink then I'm the once ruffling the waters and making waves and that’s not my style. I'm so annoyed by the whole situation I could scream!

12/23/07
Update: There us no update. There has been no conversation. G continues to be hot and cold with me depending on her mood.

G is leaving work to become a full time case manager for ED kids. So I won't have to see her and feel that tension every day... but on the other hand if I don't have to see her everyday she might not be reminded that she should talk to me about this. There was a going away party for her on Thursday morning at school... I got stuck in a meeting and couldn't make it until the very last second, but I went and gave her a card with a letter in it basically saying the short version of everything above and telling her that was my very last attempt to work things out. She read it and I haven't heard from her since. I don't know about you, but if my best friend in the whole world gave me a letter like that Id be all over making sure I made the time to talk to her about it so I didn't lose her forever. But I guess she has more important things to do.

She still hasn't done anything for the reunion, even thought she is still billed as my co-chair for the event I guess. She still has access to the reunion email account and the MySpace page and she checks those and feels free to go on them and change her info at will. I may change the passwords if she doesnt call me abotu all this ridiculousness by Christmas. I am extremely tired of being professionally cordial with someone who doesnt care enough about me or my feelings to make time for a conversation in her busy schedule.

This will be the first year since high school that G and I haven't gone to midnight mass together on Christmas Eve.

1/4/07
Update:

She left me a voicemail last night while I was at the gym.

I was really hoping it would say something along the lines of "Hey I was hoping we could talk for a little and get things straighted out, give me a call when you can."It said effectively "Im calling to let you know I am not going to be able to work on the reunion committee anymore, I am just too busy at my new job."

Uh huh.

Profile.. deleted.

Passwords... changed.

She did include a rather underhanded comment that she had "wanted to tell you, not leave a message", but its not like she through in anything about wanted to get together and work things out. If you wanted to talk you would call me and say that, not call me and say you were quitting a committee like you were talking to a complete stranger.

When Heather and I's friendship ended it was because I started dating a boy she liked (but didnt know she liked) and I was too far in to end it by the time I found out how hurt she was. Good reason. When April and I's friendship ended it was because I was hurt and depressed about a boy and gave her an ultimatum to choose my ex's friends (our friends) or me. She chose her boyfriend and her other friends. This I understand.

I simply cannot figure out what I could possible have said or done to make my best friend blow me off forever without so much as a conversation about what I supposedly did/said to upset her. I certainly dont remember killing her cat or harming her mother in anyway, but what else could be so devastating?

Whatever... Ive devoted way beyond too much of my time and energy to this shit.

I'm done.

Any time you feel like talking this out, you know how to reach me.

resolutions...

2008-01-01T18:26:00.000-05:00

Mind.
dont worry so much. make time to relax. laugh more. be less controlling.

Body.
work out more. eat less. dont smoke. drink more water. eat breakfast.

Intellect.
watch less tv. read the news every day. read a book every month. learn how to do one new thing...

Relationships.
make more time for my mom. learn not to fight. be nicer. have more sex. keep in touch with friends. buy nicer lingerie

Responsibilities.
keep the house and car clean. pay off the bills. spend less money. buy less junk.

Work.
when at work do work. dress more professionally. butt out. dont gossip.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

2007-12-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

When people say Christmas you immediately think...
pine trees, lights, snow, santa, xmas cookies, warm boots, eggnog, xmas turkey, opening presents in my pjs, nutcrackers, presents, bows, ornaments, O Holy Night at midnight mass, Its a Wonderful Life...

oh, and crowded malls, backordered gifts, trying to remember if you remembered everyone important, screaming children, overcomercialism, my crazy relatives...

Favorite Christmas Memory...
is the tradition of decorating the tree on Christmas Eve with the whole family.

Favorite Christmas song/carol...
See music player above!

Favorite Christmas movie...
Its a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th St, How the Grinch Stole Chrstmas

Favorite Christmas character...

Santa.... duh....

Favorite Christmas ornament or object...
my Nutcracker collection...

Plans for Christmas...
Hubby's fam for xmas eve, our house for xmas morning, my fam for xmas day...

Is Christmas your favorite holiday?
damn skippy

9 Years

2007-12-23T11:24:00.000-05:00

Time: Just after Halloween, 1998
Place: Kristin's dorm room at NYU
Scene: People are milling around the room getting ready to go to a frat party. A punk rock boy is sitting alone in corner wearing black Misfits t-shirt, Jenco jeans, and skate shoes. There is a barbell through his ear, his hair is purple spiked, and he is carrying a messenger style bag covered with band patched, spikes, and white-out writing. He's a little chubby but he's got a cute face and fantastic green-blue eyes. Enter a tall, thin, trendy girl with long curly dirty blond hair and too much makeup, wearing a skin-tight black dress and knee high black platform boots. She's pretty but bitchy and standoffish, clearly not thrilled to be there, whining about the long commute down from uptown and how terrible her roommates are that she just HAD to get off campus or she was going to leave school and move back home to Jersey.

Hi, my name is Matt.
Hey, Im Leigh Anne.
How do you know Kristin?
We went to HS together. We weren't really friends then but she's the only person I know in NYC right now and I had to get off campus. You?
I went to HS with her boyfriend Broski.
Oh I know Broski... we actually dated for a half a second when he first transferred to my school.
Yeah, I might have met you one before in the parking lot after a punk show.
Really? I dont remember.
Oh.

Time: Later that night
Place: at a NYU frat party.
Scene: The pretty girl is making out with a random frat boy in the corner. The punk boy is getting far too drunk and rowdy. The bartender is refusing to serve him any more alcohol. Realizing that she has had far too many random hookups lately, the girl excuses herself from Frat boy's lap and starts dancing with her friends. A very drunk punk boy (who clearly is not accustomed to dancing) starts boogying down with her... grinding... ass to the floor kinda dancing. In her own intoxicated state she goes along with it. Somewhere in the next half hour they all get kicked out of the party and IM names are exchanged.

Time: A few days later
Place: the pretty girls dorm at Columbia U
Scene: An IM screen pops up on her computer.

Hey its Matt, Broski's friend. We met at Krisitn's school.
Hey whats up.
Im coming in to the city tonight. Want to get a few drinks?
(She doesnt really want to but looks around her dorm at her pathetic roommates and decides something to do is better than nothing to do) OK.
OK Ill meet you by Washington Square Park at 9.
OK...

(She goes into the next room)

I have a date tonight with this boy who is completely not my type. He's a chubby puck rock kid with blue hair. I know he's gonna try to kiss me tonight... should I let him?
Lee, I thought you were done with all the random hookups.
Yeah, thats why Im asking.
Oh hell, go for it. Its not like you're gonna marry him.

Time: Later that night
Scene: After running up a 200 tab at a bar downtown punk boy and pretty girl are making out outside a subway station. Passersby are yelling at them to get a room.

Time: Mid November 1998
Place: Pretty girl's dorm room
Scene: Pretty girl is on the phone with puck boy. He has spent the last month writing her sweet emails, making her candlelit dinners, and asking her to be his girlfriend. She has spent the last month telling him they can go out and have sex but she is not ready to be in a committed relationship yet, she is still too in love with her ex. She's a bitch. He's heartbroken. He shows up at her school, makes a face to face plea for her love. She spends the whole time on IM with someone else.

Time: Mid December 1998
Place: Punk boy;s bedroom at his fraternity house in Hoboken.
Scene: They are laying in bed.

We shouldnt do this.
I know.
Ive never done it.
Dont worry, I have.

Time: December 23, 1998
Place: The street outside a coffee shop in Jersey.
Scene: Its snowing. The streetlights are twinkling in the snowy night sky. Punk boy and the pretty girl have just had coffee with some of punk boys friends. They are getting ready to get into the car to go home. Its been a few weeks since punk boy's last attempt to ask her to be his girlfriend. He seems to have resigned himself to just being a friend with benefits.

Are you ever going to ask me to be your girlfriend again?
Why?.... Are you going to say yes?
Maybe. (smiles)
Will you be my girlfriend?
Yes.
(They kiss on the street)

...........................................................

Time: August 2003
Place: The Rose Garden outside Cinderella's Castle, Disney World
Scene: Its hot like hell. They've been at the park for hours and havent gone on any rides. Punk boy (now reformed to a respectable JCrew wearing chemical engineer) has been acting strange all morning. Pretty girl (now a little more punk rock and more than a bit chubbier) is getting annoyed. She stands up off the bench they are sitting on to insist they get up and do something. She turn back around to see punk boy on one knee with a ring in a crystal slipper in his hands.

Will you marry me?
Ohmigod. Shut up!
Is that a yes?
Yes!

Time: June 4, 2005
Place: Holy Trinity Roman Catholic Church, Perth Amboy NJ
Scene:

I do.
I do.

................................................................

Its Hubby and I's 9 year anniversary today. I know we have a wedding anniversary now, but this one seems more important somehow. How many people do you know who have been together for 9 years? Especially people who met at 18. Its been a long road. Not always easy. There have been bumps and bridges. But we're in it for the long haul. And we're gonna make it.

Love you baby.

THOSE born 1920-1979

2007-12-22T22:03:00.000-05:00

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good . While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

OK, this is a MySpace forward, but I thought it was a darn good one.

L-E-I-G-H A-N-N-E

2007-12-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

Good news: my asshole father sent Christmas presents for Hubby and I.

Bad news: HE SPELLED MY NAME WRONG ON THE NAME TAGS.

Now I understand that my name is long and there are a million ways to spell it so I am not usually sensitive to people getting it wrong. But this fucking man is my flesh and blood. He named me for crying out loud. He looked at all the names in the world and thought "this one would be good for my daughter". His abilty to spell it wrong is simply a perfect testament to how poorly he knows me. And how little he cares to.

One for sorrow, two for joy...

2007-12-16T20:35:00.001-05:00

I have no idea who this guy is, I just ripped this of the Counting Crows website forum, but check this shit out...

And one of the best songs too! How sick it that??

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?

2007-12-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

YEAH for half days!!

We had a 12:30 dismissal today because here in Jersey its snowing/icing/sleeting like crazy and my school is on top of a mountain. That might be hyperbole, but close enough. Plus the marvelous thing about the sucky new site is that it is even further north on an even bigger hill, and when they close we close. EXCELLENT!

Think Ill put on some sweatpants, make some coffee, and take this time to do my Christmas/Hanukkah cards... Kwanzaa be damned! (just kiiiiiidddding!!) Whats that you say? Hanukkah is over already? BLAST!

Oh well.. better late than never!

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Which reminds me of something. I have a friend who insists on saying "Merry Christmas" to everyone from Dec 1-Jan 1 every year instead of "Happy Holidays" even though he knows perfectly well that not everyone celebrates Christmas. He just feels that "Happy Holidays" is PC for the sake of being PC and that most people celebrate Christmas and he celebrates Christmas and therefore people should say "Merry Christmas". If someone says "Happy Holidays" to him he replies "Merry Christmas" very pointedly. Now I, on the other hand, always say "Happy Holidays" unless I am in a situation where I KNOW the other person celebrates Christmas (say, if we are standing in the Christmas tree section of a store or if I were for some unknown reason to be in a religious setting). I dont do it to be PC, but I did grow up with 2 Jewish best friends and I suppose I just dont want to be presumptuous and assume everyone is like me.

So what do you guys think? Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?

Gotta get me a little oblivion....

2007-12-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

Thursday marked my one month anniversary of quitting smoking. One month without cheating even once. NO cigarettes at all. This is a significant improvement over the last time I tried to quit (Summer '06), when I "quit" for 2 months but cheated at the bar on the weekends and several times during each week. Im very proud of me!

But...

There are still may times throughout the day that I still have that craving for a cigarette. For 21 days I left myself use food to replace cigarettes, because they say thats how long it takes to break a habit, but that time is up now. Since I have stopped pigging out and smoking, I feel a certain lack of something in my life. So I spent some time analyzing and figured out what place cigarettes had in my life. For me, they were a reward. They were the way I would say to myself, "Hey you worked hard and did a good job, you've earned this little bit of thoughtless nonsense." Food is the same thing for me. I dont eat when Im lonely or sad or depressed, I eat when Ive been really busy or worked really hard because I feel like Ive been so diligent about whatever I was working on, I deserve to be indulgent for a minute to reward myself.

Now all that is fine and good. I quit smoking and Im on a diet. Great. But I feel like I dont have to APPROPRIATE way to pat myself on the back now and I NEED ONE. How do I provide myself with that reinforcement in a way that wont give me cancer or make me fat?? I am open to any and all suggestions, but I have a few criterion:

1. It cant be something I earn after an extended period of working hard, I need something that I cant turn to AT LEAST NIGHTLY. So things like rewarding myself with manicures and massages are out.

2. It cant cost money, or at least not more than smoking did which was about $6 every 2 days or give or take $100/month.

3. It can't involve sex, thats a separate issue and I strongly feel it should not be used as a reward in any case.

Help me out guys!

**EDIT**
Could also use some suggestions for what to do to calm down whan I am upset. When Im upset I cry and smoke. Maybe smoking just forces regulated breathing, but reguardless... Im not the type to punch something or scream or do some kind of deep breathing/yoga. I need to wallow in my own misery a bit I suppose. Any ideas how to do this without sucking on cancer sticks?

Barely out of Tuesday..

2007-12-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

Did you ever wonder why they call me Ms Tuesday? Why my blog is called "The Border of Everything and Nothing"?

I used to be "Barely out of Tuesday", but Corky and Birdman thought that was too long to type, so I just shortened it to "Ms Tuesday".

"Barely out of Tuesday" is a Counting Crows song, in which you "live out on the border of everything and nothing. See below:

Woke up Tuesday morning staring at the ceiling,
hoping for deliverance from the distances in you.
This room feels like an oven,
somewhere south of nowhere north of nothing.

Barely out of Tuesday,
seen seven hours of Wednesday,
and I guess got regrets...

Maybe you could leave a light on leave a light on for me?
Can you see her waiting there down by the sea
with a hat on with her eyes in there looking for me?

If you see me coming home turn me away.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere someday.

Won't you give me the distance?
52 weeks later, youre still the same.
I'm standing im my basement
making my arrangements
waiting for the telephone
to ring to ring to ring.

So I left for Minnesota
where the weather is getting colder...
people are changing.

Maybe you could leave a light on leave a light on for me?
Can you see her waiting there down by the sea
& how arrangements made there for welcoming me?

If you see me coming home turn me away.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere someday.

And for all this, distance ain't going to bring you to me.
What's the point of all this patience?
It's not your nature... You just keep what you need
and you got some pictures of me.

Woke up Wendsday morning,
sometime Wednesday evening,
hoping for a piece of something easy to believe.

We live out on the border of everything and nothing.
Theres nothing but waking and dreaming...

Barely out of Tuesday...
there's no one to receive me...
nothing is changing...

Maybe you could leave a light on leave a light on for me?
Can you see her waiting there down by the sea?
There's a light on but there's nobody waiting for me.

If you see me coming home turn me away.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere someday.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere someday.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere someday.
Everybody tries to go back somewhere.........

13th Pain of Christmas...

2007-12-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

What is WITH this Christmas season?? I have never before had a year where SO MANY of the things I was looking for are completely sold out EVERYWHERE.

Case in Point #1:

I asked my mom for Uggs. The new slouchy crocheted ones with buttons... please don't laugh... they are so cute and I would never buy them for myself because they are so expensive. But I really wanted them. The day I sent her the link they were available. 2 days later when she went to buy them... sold out EVERYWHERE on the internet, in every store... We pre-ordered them but supposedly the wont be here till February! =(

Case in Point #2:
I ordered 2 gifts for hubby from a website (cant elaborate, he reads this). Both were in stock when ordered. I got the tracking number and it said both things were shipped. The box arrives... only one thing inside... I email the company... The other thing is back ordered and they are not sure when it will be in! They couldn't send me an email and tell me that?? So annoying. Now I don't know if that will be here for x-mas.

Case in Point #3:

I ordered a pair of jeans from Alloy last night. Said they were in stock. I get the email receipt this morning.... they are back ordered till after Christmas!! SO DAMN ANNOYING!!

Ah well, I guess that just means I have popular tastes.

Now why the hell are they blinking???

2007-12-01T15:22:00.001-05:00

So I actually did post this week...twice... but... they are saved in drafts... Im not ready to actually publish them yet. There is a situation going on with me and G. I needed to write about it, but whether or not I want to make it public just yet is TBD.

On a lighter note, today marks the one year anniversary of Hubby and I being homeowners! We closed on the house one year ago today! We celebrated by cleaning the gutters, blowing the leaves, hanging Christmas lights and putting up garland. What a pain in the ass! I kept singing that 12 Pains of Christmas song in my head. Ya know, "Rigging up the lights... What we have no extension cords?.... Now why the hell are they blinking??... FINE, you're so smart, YOU rig up the lights!" Oh, just watch the video....

Like a paw print on my soul...

2007-11-25T22:37:00.000-05:00

Today I nearly killed my cat.

I was painting an unfinished dresser black. The god damned cat jumped up onto the dresser where the paint tray was and landed directly in the tray of black latex paint. She then discovered she didn't like that squishy feeling and jumped down, ran out of the guest bedroom, through the hallway, down the steps, through the living room, through the dining room, and into the TV room where she ran all the way around the room before hiding behind the couch. SHE DID ALL OF THIS RUNNING ACROSS MY CREAM COLORED CARPET!

Black paw prints. Everywhere.

Hubby was screaming at me. I was screaming at the cat. A good time was not had by anyone. It was like WWIII. Then the cat scratched the shit out of me as we tried to clean her up. And then I promptly locked her in the litter box room for 2 hours with no food or water. ASPCA be damned. Little bitch should be glad she still has a roof over her head.

I spent the next hour on my hands and knees with a wet rag, a bottle of Resolve and a pair of fingernail scissors. Once it dried I was able to cut out most of the big spots. There's a few spots I rubbed before it was completely dry which could look better, but it is what it is.

Yes, I should have closed the door to keep that cats out while I was painting. Or shut them in another room. I know. This was my first painting job since becoming a cat owner. I didn't think. I would like to add that no one who was watching me paint thought to recommend this either. You better believe there wont be a second time.

That fucking sucked.

All I want for Christmas is...

2007-11-21T00:43:00.002-05:00

What I really want for Christmas:

I want the dents in my car fixed, but that shouldn't really be a gift since I didn't cause them.
I want my car CD player fixed.
I want Microsoft office located and reinstalled on the computer.
I want antivirus reinstalled and running on the computer.
I want the hard drive transfer done from the old computer.
I want all the files reinstalled on the new computer, including the iTunes libraries and photos.
I want the iPods updated.
I want all the identity theft/credit bureau issues completed.
I want the mirror hung in the bedroom.
I want the basement light fixed.
I want the bathroom floor re-tiled, the hall painted and moulding done, and the fireplace spray painted.
I want a garbage disposal. Installed.

I guess on a materialistic end, there are a few things I could want, namely:

I want a new digital camera and case.
I want harry potter goblet of fire and order of the Phoenix dvds
I want the Ugg classic cardy boot... in oatmeal please, size 8.
I wouldnt mind a Toywatch... pink!
I want Pirates at worlds end
I want the the signature boston stripe travel bag from coach.
I want the gallery patchwork slim envelope wallet from coach
I want the bleeker leather wristlet in black from coach
I want the carley leather bag from coach in black
I want the coach star luggage tag charm and the L charm
I want the water buffalo slim card case in black from coach
I want the trigger snap keyfob from coach in black
I want new bathroom things for the guest bathroom.
I want a years worth of once monthly upper body massages.
I want manicure gift certificates.
I want iTunes giftcards.
I want a Clinique gift certificate.
I want Books: Love in the Time of Cholera, The Pillars of the Earth, Night, Eat Pray Love, The Memory Keepers Daughter, Middlsex, The Virgin Suicides, The Time Travellers Wife, The Red Tent, The Kite Runner, The Children of Hurin, Nicholas Sparks' 'The Choice', 'Dear John', and 'A Walk to Remember', The Earth in Balance, An Inconvientient Truth, The Assault on Reason, The Thirteenth Tale, The Other Boleyn Girl, I Know This Much is True.

Here I go again...

2007-11-20T20:13:00.000-05:00

Did I forget to mention in the last post that as a result of not physically being able to breath in for the last 2 weeks, I havent had a cigarette in 12 days?

Silly me. How did I forget to leave that out?

Ironically enough, Hubby and I had both gone and gotten prescriptions for Chantix, the new quit-smoking medicine, and were planning to start it together this week. But since I physically COULDNT smoke and theres no nicotine left in your system after 72 hours anyway, it seemed silly to start taking a nicotine receptor blocker at this point so... I just quit. Slept through most of the first 3 days, making it much easier. Hubby is taking his Chantix now (you take it for 1 week before you fully quit) so his quit date will be this Saturday. I think we're gonna make it. Compared to the last time we tried to quit, his mom and since quit, our good friend Broski has quit, and my mom is quitting. We also have never smoked in the house, whereas the last time we tried to quit (2 summers ago) we were living in the apartment where one of out favorite hobbies was chain smoking while watching TV. And Megs is supposed to be joining us too!

I wish him the best of luck. But Im done either way. =)

You make me sick!

2007-11-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

So did I mention I was sick for the last 3 weeks? Yeah. Well I got bronchitis on or about November 2nd. Thought it was from exposure to mold at work (long story) because Im severely allergic (to all forms- from garden variety bread mold to penicillin to blue cheese to environmental molds). Anywho, after a few days people were yelling at me to call a doc so I called and he called in some prescription Sudafed for me and some Robetussin with Codine. He didnt even see me cuz I had a similar cough in September and cuz Im a smoker and all, well he assumed it was the same thing. Or maybe I TOLD him it was. Either way.

3 days later Im worse. Gagging and choking every morning, no able to catch my breath for all the coughing. And I feel like shit. So I call the doc. He's not there but I can see the doc on call. OK. Wow what a flaming bitch, She basically told me in not so many words that she didnt feel for me and there was nothing she could do for me because I am a smoker. In other words, in her professional opinion this was smokers cough and CLEARLY just a remnant from when I was sick in September... ya know... 2 months ago? Nevermind the fact that I had been completely well for the 2 months between then and now. I TOLD her to give me an Albuterol inhaler. She did.

3 days later, the day after my step father's birthday party. I woke up near death Im pretty sure. I was gurgling and wheezing and couldnt breathe at all. So I went to the MultiCare clinic thingy. That doctor was very nice and diagnosed atypical asthmatic bronchitis immediately. Never even asked me if I smoked. gave me steroids and antibiotics and more prescription Robetussin/Sudafed. He also but me on a Nebulizer fro 20 minutes and took a chest x-ray. I felt so great after the nubulizer I hardly knew I was sick! Took the next day off work to rest, though in retrospect I should've gone in cus that would be my best day of the week. Each ensuing day the cough got tighter and tighter again.

Now its Wednesday, 10 days after I originally got his cough, its back with a vengeance, Im leaving for Boston for 4 days and am running out of medicine. I call my doc they say he'll be in Thursday afternoon, which is too bad cuz Ill already be on Amtrak by then, but I tell them to have him call me for a phone consult anyway. HE NEVER CALLS.

Now enter the trek to Boston which involved standing outside in the rain for an hour and a half, rinding a dirty train fro 5.5 hours, standing in the rain fro another 30 min waiting for my ride in Boston, walking a mile to and from dinner, and finally sleeping in on a futon. And lets not leave out the next 2 days where I trekked miles across this HUGE convention center all day then stood outside in the freezing cold for 45 min waiting for a taxi... for 2 days. Friday and Saturday night I was really concerned because I simply COULD NOT catch my breath. After walking 30 seconds at a normal pace across a flat surface I would need to sit for 5 minutes. After 1 flight of stairs I was winded fro 20 minutes. It was awful. And scary. Ive never been asthmatic and hope to never be again. Sunday I finally made it home, but due to the power outage in NYC, I got stuck on the Acela train for 6.5 hours, before getting off, trekking through Penn Station, switching to NJ Transit and taking a snails pace local train home.

When I got home I simply crashed. Physically every muscle in my body hurt from coughing and carrying bags and sitting for so long. Emotionally the stress of being sick and uncomfortable and travelling for so long finally just exploded. I sat down on the couch and developed the most atrocious migraine I have ever had. I can only remember have one even remotely as bad as this. I was sick to my stomach in and out of the bathroom all night, all the while coughing and wheezing, unable to breathe, unable to sleep, unable to squelch the pain in my head that rattled like my brain would come out my ears with every stifled cough. Call out of work on Monday and called the doc at opening time (8:30am) on the dot... It was busy till 8:50,then I got through and was put on hold until about 9:10. Then the receptionist finally picked up, I told her I needed an emergency appointment, she said I had to hold "just one more sec" because she was alone in the office. At 9:22 when I was still on hold I hung up and drove through the slush back to MultiCare.

The wonderful doc there gave me Percoset for my headache and cough and a second round of steroids. By 4pm I felt like a new person. For the first time in 3 weeks I can breath and dont feel like Im dying in one way or another. Two rounds of steroids is probably going to fuck with my system for the next 2 months, but thats fine. Mostly they just make me hungry.

My doctors office is gonna get one nasty call from me, let me tell you!

Travelling

2007-11-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

On my way home from Boston. The conference was excellent. Got to visit great friends too. Had I not been sickly the whole time it would've been great. Im supposed to be on the Acela Express home, which should only take about 4 hours. But apparently there was some big power outage between NYC and NJ today and there is no train service between Penna dn NJ at all right now. So Im stuck sitting on a train. With bronchitis. Arg.

Dont give me time alone on the road with a pen and an iPod if you dont want to know whats going on in my mind. Travelling and quiet and music gets me lost in my head. I know why writers write their best stuff on tour. Sure, more stuff happens then, but the lull of the bus/train/car/plane, the flashing buildings/ trees/ plains, the solitude... You HAVE to hear yourself. Just add someone else's voice positing musical/lyrical suggestions about life and love in your ear through the wire. You figure things out. The pen keeps it all straight. I need to travel alone more often. I get it all straight.

Girl Next Door/Cuz I Can

2007-11-16T18:39:00.000-05:00

In most of my life I strive to be more of the JCrew consummate professional. Classy. Refined. Educated. Pensive, understated, and practical. All Burberry and Coach, ya know? I really like ballet, and theater, and books. Im workin on speaking 3 languages. I like having it all together. But it takes alot of work. And time. The hair, the makeup, the ironing, the coordinating, the learning and thinking. Guess that's the Ivy grad perfectionist in me.

A little piece of me still wants to be a rebel. Just in other people's eyes. A little bit "I dont give a f*ck". Well, cuz mostly I dont... except about the people that I do. Ya know... the friends and most of the family. The ones who love me for me anyway. Sometimes I want to punk rock out on a bar table and flip you the bird. Sing karaoke at the top of my lungs. Just cuz I can. Loud and brazen. Take you out and school you just to show you I can do anything. Ya know? Just to feel alive and incite a little shock and awe. =) Guess thats the Jersey girl in me.

At other times I'd rather be the rockin chick that can throw back 10 shots and chug beers with you at a bar. Girl next door. I am that girl too. She doesnt come out often. But I still like her. She's the camping, hiking, picnic in the country driving down the highway with hair blowing in the wind girl. Like many other personality conflicts that rage inside of me, I alternately want to be the sexy beautiful seductress with the perfect La Perla undies peeking out of the little black dress and the down home girl in torn jeans with her bare feet hanging out the car door. Guess That's the Ohio in me.

This is the trichotomy of me.

Pleased to meet you.

Not angry anymore...

2007-11-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

Ani DiFranco makes me think of Heather. Except for Not Angry Anymore. Which makes methink of me mom. And dad.

growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.

she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for,
and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate for the lack of light from above.
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way.
we can learn like the trees, how to bend, how to sway.

i think i understand what all this fighting is for,
and baby i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

Closing time?

2007-11-15T17:17:00.000-05:00

Closing time.
Open all the doors and let you out into the world.
Turn all the lights on over every boy and every girl.
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
You dont have to go home but you cant stay here.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

For some reason this speaks to me more that just in reference to the number of times in my life Hubby and I have closed the bar in out lives. At our local haunt the bartenders dont just know us by name, they know our dads and brothers and all about out lives. But theres something to be said for the feeling that "out" is "away". "Away" is avaoidance (or denial) of something. I see closing time all the time, so maybe there must still be some denial in our life. Cuz when we close the bar, we dont always go home. But what are we avoiding?

I think Ill go to Boston

2007-11-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

Still on the train. Just passed through New London. Looked like New Hope. Passing through Connecticut, thinking of last August. Wondering. "Come to Boston". Went in August. Listened to Augustana sing Boston and say, "You dont know me, you dont even care...". Heard, "I gotta get out Cali. Im tired of the weather." Thought about going to Boston. Thought about starting a new life, thought about starting over. I thought that I was tired. Thought, "Ill go to Boston. Think I need a new town to leave this all behind. Think I need a sunrise. Tired of the sunset. Hear its nice in the summer..."

I went Boston. Think that I was tired. Lookin for a new town to leave it all behind. But I found a New Hope for me.

Now again I pass through. A year later. I think fondly. And wonder. And smile.

Baby Im a big star now...

2007-11-15T16:11:00.000-05:00

Im on the train to Boston. Im spending the weekend at the ASHA convention. Staying with friends in Charleston. I love Boston. Went there for the first time last summer. Its kind of a small town in a big city... I can understand how people go and never come back.

But right now Im on the Acela local train getting up there. And travelling always makes me think about life. You drive/ride past all this different views into different ways of life and I inevitably look around and compare my life at home to life in those places. I often think "I couldn't live here in a million years", although occasionally I look around and think about how nice and calm it must be to live one of those small town idyllic lives. So much less complicated. So much less superficial. But comparisons raise questions.

How happy is happy? How slow is slow? How interesting... how lonely... how different life would or wouldnt be is really all relative. Sure it'd be less hectic, but there would just be different issues. I know Im in the right place in life because I see myself in those places and shake my head and know Id rather be home.

That sleepy little town looks cozy, but it's not so sleepy... its probably full of trapped, lonely, desperate, cheating souls. That artsy creative melting pot city looks so easy to get lost in, but its just lots of folks who havent figured it out yet, havent found it. Ive found my own peace, my own status quo at home. Looking out windows makes us wonder if status quo is OK or "if there's life out there". We look out the window and try the different lives on for size.

There are some big stars out there that spend their lives on the road and that must be hard. To be CONSTANTLY looking out and trying on the varying versions of happiness and perfection that you see reflected across the globe. But youve got to know yourself to know when something fits. These stars write good music because they are lost souls trying to figure out lifes mysteries through prose. But they want to be BIG stars. And its a BIG world. To be a big star in a big world you have to be SO big. Its like needing too much happiness. But because of that, none of these lives fit for him yet. Youve gotta make peace with what your home will be, how much happiness you need to be happy. How much fame, how much love, how much adventure. Its a balance. No one gets it all.

I know Im in the right place because my balance is just perfect. Ive made peace with status quo. I dont want anyone elses status quo. Just mine. It wouldnt work for everyone, but it works for me. I KNOW this, because theres finally no place Id rather be. Im happy in mediocrity. Dont need to be famous. Dont need to be free. Its just enough for me. "Baby Im a big star..." in my little word. Big fish. Little sea.

I'd go from rags to riches....

2007-11-14T17:44:00.000-05:00

"I know I'd go from rages to riches if you would only say you care. And though my pockets may be empty, I'd be a millionaire. My clothes may still be torn and tattered, but in my heart I'd be a king. Your love is all that ever mattered. It's everything. So open your arms and you'll open the door to every treasure I'm hoping for. Hold me and kiss me and tell me you're mine ever more. Must I forever be a begger whose golden dreams will not come true? Or will I go from rags to riches? My fate is up to you."

So do you remember your "song" with any of your ex's? The power that song had is hard to deny, evenyears later. Well, have you ever had to sit and listen to that song on repeat for 4 hours while out at a social event ewith your entire family? My step-dad's 50th birthday party was Saturday night. I was already sick and tired and cranky cause I got my hair cut and they took about 6 inches too much. And then the resturant played the above song once every 20 minutes for the duration of the pary. It must have been on a CD with like 3 other songs. Serioulsly. It was like chinese water torture. Not that the song itself bothers me anymore, but it sure is annoying to suddenly and without warning be emotionally wretched from reality to a mental place you no longer want to go once every 20 minutes while trying to celbrate with your family.

Myspace...

2007-11-13T18:22:00.000-05:00

So have you ever wasted time on Myspace my going to random friend's pages and clicking on their friends' pages and then their friends' pages...etc..etc.. until you are on some random person's page who you've never met? Yeah me too. Well I stole this from some random guys page who is a friend of a friend of a friend... well, because I liked it and wanted to remember it and this is a good palce for me to know where it is. Well, and because of that stupid convo with my mom which mas making me a little sensitive. so this is what I stole:

We're all dealt the hands we're inevitably playing;
we all feel the feelings, but some aren't worth saying.
I know I'm not perfect & I'll never be
but how long until somebody loves me for me?

We fight through the bad times, we smile brave smiles,
we live on the outside, permanant exiles.
Happiness is fleeting, we find ways to deal.
We hope and we pray that we find something real.

We build up the walls that keep others at bay,
when people get close, we just chase them away.
We slap at their hands and we bark and we spat
but we're changing who we are by doing all that.

We may not choose it, but we're loners at best.
We challenge the world until they fail a test
then we blame them, we shame them, point fingers, call names;
we ridicule them for not playing our games.

But the truth is much deeper; it's our darkest fear
that someone should discover what I'm writing here.
But it's written, it's spoken, it's finally known:
the reason that we are forever alone.

We ache and we breath and we break and we scar
till we shake and we seeth and can't take who we are.
We long and we pray that once, true words are spoken
but inevitably, we just get our heart broken.

So we hide in ourselves, hating who we've become
but we can't change, we won't, we can justify some.
We find ways to self destruct and blow lives apart
it's not only our own, but that's where we will start.

We warn them, our friends, that they're better off gone
but we're testing, trying to see who'll carry on,
who'll love us, who'll fight for us when we've lost hope
who'll let us abuse them, and have the strength to cope.

But it's all just for nothing, because we lose respect
for those willing to take our abusing aspect.
So, you see, this sword edge, it has more than 2 sides
and all we can do is promise many wild rides.

Through the ups and the downs, it's our own selves we blame
for hurting others and allowing the same
but for us, we deserve it, see how it all ends?
Or does it? Yes, it seems it's all starting again...

OK and I might have also liked this from this kids profile:
"I live my life passionately... I love passionately, I dream passionately, I fight passionately. I believe, however, that you will fight as much for a friendship as you will for a friend, so even if I fight a lot with you, it's still done lovingly... If I don't care about you, I'll let you go easily... If I love you, I will fight to keep you, and fight not to let you go just as deeply as I will with you... "Fine" is never fine, because, just like "Whatever", it's a cop-out. Both mean I'm shutting down, and that I either don't have the energy, the strength, or the conviction/concern to fight with you, but that doesn't mean I actually am in agreement with you, just that I don't care to dance the dance of the red vest at the moment."

i am...

2007-11-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

I just had a conversation with my mom in which she said she think we have genetic cloud of gloom and doom hanging over us and i told her she's full of shit. This convo immediately proceeded one in which Hubby told me I am acting "weird" around groups of people. This right after G tells me Im a wicked bitch for saying something (which I cant even tell you if I said because she wont tell me what it was.)

I am a lot of things. But I am not gloom and doom. And I feel bitches are girls who whine incessantly, make unrealistic demands, and complain without cause. I am not those things. Im not a bitch, I am.... I am...

I am an overweight former teen queen with a deadbeat dad who left when i was 3. Im insecure.

I was a prom princess, cheerleading, "it" girl i high school who could get almost any boy and befriend almost anyone. I am beautiful.

Everyone was nice to my face and talked behind my back. Which means and that I dont assume people like me just because they say they do. Actions speak louder to me than words.

I am an only child of a twice divorced mother whom looked to me to hold together her flailing world. My self worth is tied to making other people happy. I am a people pleaser.

People were consistenly happy and gave me positive attention when I excelled in things like school and sports, and singing and such. But the more you succeed the more you must exceed yourself next time to continue the praise. I am an over achiever. With OCD.

I work with children with autism. And lots of dumb adults without disabilities. I am patient.

I have an IQ of 140, a 1310 on my SATs, a degree from an Ivy league school with a double major and a minor, and a magna cum laude 4.0 masters degree. I am smart. And thus easily annoyed by people who dont get things or understand things.

I can't spell. Or type.

Those degrees are in human neuroscience and behavior, in sociology, and speech-language pathology. My work with autistic children means I apply principals of learning theory and applied behavior analysis daily. I also completed a conflict resolution certification program run by GWU in DC in high school. I understand people.

I was raised by a hippie who taught me to see the world colorblind, love openly, trust freely, and forgive everything. But I was raised in the 80s. I am an idealist. And a realist.

I had no male attention growing up. I made male friends and lovers as a grew up. I hurt people and I got hurt. Im sensitive.

My dad left, my first love left, my best friend left. I lived. I moved on. I am strong.

I am always worried that I am not doing enough or good enough and that people will be let down because of me. So I'm a stress-case. Or.. I struggle with anxiety.

I taught myself how to sew, reupholster furniture, make drapery, hang and take down wall paper, prime, paint, and stain. I can figure out how to do anything I put my mind to. Im determined.

I can sing and dance and act, sketch, write poetry. I can do hair, makeup, and nails for other people. I can make things, put things together, design things. I'm creative.

Im an internal disaster, so on the outside Im organized.

Im quick to judge, but usually right.

Im snippy when I feel people are not respecting me.

I'm just a smart, sensitive, over achieving, people pleasing, perfectionist. Some people think I'm bossy or bitchy, but I'm not really. Do you know how difficult it is to be smart and quick on the pick up and see the answers to things easily and NOT try to butt in to help people who are struggling with something. People have told me I think Im always right. I know it doesnt sound nice but... I usually am. But I know people want to be corrected or butted in on all the time, so I try to wait to offer help until its asked for in my professional life. But in my personal life, my family life, its more difficult because it means more to me. I put my 2 cents in because Im trying to help, but when I say something smart or tell someone there is a better way than what they suggested, they get mad and say Im bossy and stepping on their toes or being controlling. They are right. But its impossible to watch the people you love screw up or struggle through getting things done the hard way. I can let it go at work. Not at home. But i still try not to be bossy or bitchy by speaking very kindly and cautiously. I always ask/tell once nicely. Then I ask/tell again nicely. But if i have to repeat myself a third time, wither cuz you were too dumb, inattentive, or obstinate to do what i said/asked the first 2 times, I'm gonna snip at you the third time. It seems fair to me.

Hell, in my opinion the rest of the world is not half this nice to me. They go around snipping at me all the time, making snide comments/jokes to make me feel stupid or belittled or just blowing a gasket at me without so much as asking for my side of the story and then refusing to talk to me for over a month, or saying disrespectful/hurtful things out of anger and them not even apologizing for it. No, people are not all that nice to me. And Im tired of the guilt trip i put on myself convincing myself to bite my tongue all the time and speak nicely when people are stupid and mean and constantly annoy me, disappoint me, and hurt my feelings and I constantly let it ride while other people feel perfectly justified telling me every little thing I dont do right enough for them.

Call me a bitch, I dont care. It is not a cloud of gloom and doom that keeps me quiet and makes me snip, it is me trying not to say anything if i cant say something nice to all the people around me who are being dumb and caddy and hurtful. It seems everyone wants the gloom and doom lifted. Well then I guess I have to let the bitch come out a little more often.

Too hot to handle...

2007-10-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

I while ago Birdy had a list of his top 10 celebrity crushes of all time... it's taken me like 5 months, but here is my rebuttal... in chronological order.

1. chad allen- (my first ever TV crush, when I was about 8 and he was like 13. He was on Our House... ya know, with the Quaker Oats guy? OK so he grew up to be gay... I just saw a pretty boy when I was 8.

2. joey mcintyre- any member of NKOTB needs no explanation for someone who gre up in the 80s. He was Joey Joe... 'nuff said.

3. jason priestly- again... i was a teenager in the early 90s... a crush from BH 90210 should need no explaination. Luke Perry was too pretty, I liked Brandon.

4. chris o'donell- Fell in love with him when he was in Batman and Robin... he is still probably my number 2 or 3... even if he did become a crazy zealot christian with 5 kids.

5. matt damon- loved him in school ties, but Good Will Hunting really solidified the crush. He's still my number 2 or 3 too. Specially with the Boston accent...=)

6. david boreanaz- MY ALL TIME NUMBER ONE LOVE OF MY LIFE EVER. He's my one out, ya know, if he showed up at the door I could do whatever I wanted and that would be my one out. Love love him. So much. Sigh. Yeah he's on Bones now, but did you ever see him on Buffy? Heavy sigh.

7. taye diggs- have you seen those muscles? That smile? And the man can sing! 'nuff said.

8. george eads- I know, a super dorky one, but really, have you seen CSI? He's just too yummy.

9. jason wahler- ok i know its totally cheesy, he's on that dumb MTV show The Hills, but he's so f-ing hot.

10. david beckham- Im not usually a fan of the pretty boys (e.g.- i love orlando bloom, but only in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings where they make him up to look manly and have him wielding swords and doing crazy manly stunts). But this pretty boy is so pretty I will make an exception. And he's talented which is a major turn on in any form.

So there ya go. My list. Not a Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt among them. I would like to also posit an honorable mention for Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds and Dylan Bruno from Numbers. They are yummy too... but 10 is 10.

Hey monkey, where've u been??

2007-10-19T09:29:00.000-05:00

well... Im here. How've I been lately? Life has been... hectic since coming back from Croatia/Italy. I thought I would share with you an email interaction with my own mother, so you would see that you all are not the only ones looking for me lately. Here ya go:

Darling Daughter,
Have had you on my mind so much lately. Don't know why. Hope you didn't get drenched last night, though I know you did. Hope you had lots of fun anyway. I miss our getting to just sit and talk. Seems like we get to "visit", but never get to talk and I've been wondering how you're doing, how you're feeling, how your world is, if you're ok and happy. Just mom stuff. We'll have to have coffee or even just email me when you feel like it. Just missing my girl, I guess. Feel like I see Megs more than you. Talk to her every day and spend at least a half hour hearing about her day and her family and thoughts. Keep wishing it were you instead. It's just because she comes over to see Mike, but still, miss our shared time. I'm good. Working like a crazy person. Should be working now, but just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you and love you.
Mommy

Mommy,
I know! I feel the same way! You definitely get to see Megs more... but that's cuz she's THERE and I'm not... It's been SOOOO busy since I went back to work. Lots of stress and aggravation over stupid stuff, like for example 2 therapists quit in Warren and now supposedly they are transferring 2 of us from here to there... nothing like stressing over THAT issue again! Plus I've been staying till 4:30 or 5 most nights with this extra job as a computer mentor. Great pay but sucky hours. The extra hour and a half every day really makes me significantly more drained. And I have been sick on and off since we came home from Croatia- first the cramps, then the cold/cough, then i got ringworm on my arms from some unknown source and spent a week cleaning my house like crazy, then last night I was battling some food poisoning... AND then there's the 4 weddings we have this month and a Halloween party to plan and decorate for... UGH!! And we've been spending a lot of time with Lisa next door cuz she's been going through lots of stuff with the divorce and the house.. Tuesday would have been her anniversary. Plus there's the whole G being a super huge bitch issue, but I can't get into that now. Suffice it to say she's not talking to me and won't tell me why because of some hearsay she heard from people who are definitely not people she should trust more than her best friend. Life has just been generally draining and annoying. You know how susceptible i am to problems with stress and anxiety and I have definitely been feeling it and trying to just decompress at night so i don't explode- bringing my iPod to work to block out hearing all the annoying things, etc. Don't take my absence personally or interpret it to mean there is something dramatic wrong in my life, its definitely not you or Hubby. Its work and health and my job and stupid stuff like that. We haven't even seen Hubby's Mom just to visit in like a month and you know how Hubby is, he needs to visit her like 5 times a day! Ive been going to work, staying till 5, driving home in traffic, making dinner, cleaning up, watching one TV show and passing out. Hubby's been great though and life has otherwise been fine, but we should definitely set up a standing coffee date so we don't let ourselves slip through the cracks of our busy lives. Maybe you can come help me decorate for Halloween next week or the week after?
-Me

Daughter,
Tell me about the ringworm. Where is it and how is it going. I had what I first thought looked like a circle and thought it looked like ringworm on my wrist. Then I thought it was shingles. Then there were more dots and another circle. Then a big bunch and then a third. This was on a Thursday. By Saturday, the pain was awful and everyone said it was poison ivy. Michael, the expert, said, "Definitely poison ivy." So Friday I got a scrub and ointment, but Saturday it hurt so much. My whole arm was sensitive and I said, "No, it's shingles." Everyone said, "No, it's poison ivy." Megan, everyone. Called Overlook Thursday, but they had no appointment until Monday, so on Saturday, went to the ER at Rahway to the rolling eyes of Mike and I'm sure Rich. Doctor there said, "not shingles, poison ivy" and gave me steroid cream. Used it faithfully. I did everything right. Used this cream every day. Hurt like heck. Used scrub. Didn't itch or scratch it. (It didn't itch, just hurt. Shooting pains. Arm sensitive. Felt like shingles. Couldn't stand it.) A week goes by. Huge blisters forming. They break and now it's getting infected. Pussy. Icky. My arm is going to fall off. So on Monday I went to see Dr. Pravda. He walks into the room and takes one look at it and without talking to me says, "Oh, you have a Herpies infection." Thank you. Not shingles, but same family. Not poison ivy. "Do you get cold sores?" he asked. "No, but I've had shingles." I tell him the story. "Wow, you were talking, but the doctor wasn't listing. His first clue was that you had shingles and this is the same family." "Where did I get it?" "I have no idea. Where were you about two weeks ago?" "Disneyworld." "Well, maybe there." That makes more sense than poison ivy, since I hadn't been near a plant. I was so upset. What a waste of time. He gave me pills which I took for four days. Tonight is the last. It's all dried up now. Could have been dried up last week. All of that pain for nothing. Now it can come back of course, like a cold sore, but at least I'll know what to do (and what not to do--no steroid cream, no scrub). And at least I don't have the OTHER herpies!!!! (None of the fun either.) So, just make sure it's ringworm. Not to scare you. Just don't want you going through pain for no reason.
-Mom

Mommy,
UGH... its on both arms... forearms and upper arms. It started as just a little tiny red spot and I cant even remember how long ago... i feel like maybe while we were in Croatia because everyone had chicken pox and I was freakin out that I might have it because I saw this spot on my arm, but who knows if it was really there before or not. I mean how often to you really investigate your skin that closely unless you're looking for chicken pox?? And it was just the one spot on my right forearm. Nothing happened so i ignored it.

Then maybe last week I was looking at it and noticing that it was forming a ring and I went "uh oh". Ive seen my kids at school have it and i knew what it was immediately, though i was hoping it wasn't cuz its relatively hard to get rid of and very contagious. Then in the car then next day or so I was wearing a tank top and the light was just right and I noticed that there were itty bitty little red spots on my upper left arm and then I saw some on my lower left arm and in the crook of my elbow on my right arm. All very tiny, not ring-like, but they had the same sheer-ish quality that the ring-like on had. And the ring was getting bigger quick. For a month or so it had just looked like a pimple and now it was like a dime.

So I called and made appointments for Hubby and I cuz he had that weird rash all over is upper body and feet. Thought they might be related. We saw the doc at overlook last Friday and he said he had no idea what Hubby's was, have him steroid cream and his cleared up in like 2 days. He looked at mine and immediately said the big spot was ring worm. He took a scraping and looked at it under the microscope and confirmed. I said what about all these other little spots and he said the 2 on my upper left arm were ringworm developing. "Those are coming" he said. The other tiny red spots he said are a typical allergic reaction to the ringworm fungus. Your body is allergic to it and the skin breaks out even though ringworm isn't actually there. He said sometimes (actually the most frequent occurrence) is that people who get ringworm on their feet (from walking barefoot in locker rooms, etc- its actually the same fungus as athletes foot) will get a reactionary breakout on their hands for some reason. Guess it just has to do with the way our circulation works. I dunno. But I'm pretty confident mine is ringworm. He gave me a fungal cream and it definitely seems to be clearing up the big spot on my right arm and a little bit on my upper left arm, but it will probably take 4-6 weeks to clear it. This damn fungus is so resistant.

I read up online and it reccommended using an anti-fungal laundry soap (color safe bleach), changing sheets and towels every day (I have been), using a strong anti-dandruff shampoo like Nizoral as a body wash because it is drying(I have been), and cleaning all surfaces in the home/office with Clorox and Lysol which are the only things that kill it on surfaces (I have been-every night I spray down the couch, the bathroom, the kitchen- annoying). Ive also been wearing long sleeves every day and wearing long sleeves to sleep so Hubby doesn't get it. I'm just paranoid about spreading it or not cleaning everything good enough and having it go away but getting it back from an unclean surface in my home. You know me. Stress about everything.

Some of the smaller non-descript spots on my left arm dont look like they've gotten any better, but they were so small to begin with... i think a less conscientious person might not even have noticed this whole outbreak for another 6 months until it got very big. But I did look up Pravda last night and he takes my medical insurance now! Woo hoo! So if it doesn't look like its clearing up significantly after next week (2 weeks on treatment) Ill make an appointment to see him.

How annoying that it they missed that infection for so long for you! So wish you knew where you picked it up! Sounds like on of those far fetched storied where someone got AIDS from a toilet seat and they always say thats not possible... lol... glad that its finally clearing up for you!

love you!
-Me

Daughter,
We're some pair, aren't we? I can't wait for this to be over for both of us. I may be wrong, but I may have some scaring from this. Just like chicken pox. What a drag. Pretty weird that I don't know how I got it. How do you get something on your wrist??? I mean, really? HOW??? One spot??? Come on! I can't even begin to give you an answer for that. Even with the poison ivy, I could blame it on the dog being somewhere and brushing up against me. This????? I don't know, other than rubbing my wrist on something, which I could have done here in NYC as well. I just don't know. Didn't pick it up on a toilet seat. Don't know anyone with even a cold sore right now. Waiting to see if someone mentions something, but just haven't got a clue. What can you do? Stuff happens and then you move on.

Want you to get over your ringworm, so glad you may see Dr. Pravda. He's good and since he's a dermatologist, he's good with all of this stuff.

Love you and hate that we have to waste time on this dumb stuff. We have much more fun things to do with our life than this. Like laugh and enjoy our time together and just be happy.

Mom

SO Im here, but Im drowning in boring weddings and surperfluous laundry, stupid high school arguements and a disgruntled work environment. I go to work, I cook dinner, I clean, I go to sleep. Thats what Im doing lately. Sounds like fun? It is. Im tired and cranky. I feel unhealthy and fat and stressed out. But Im working on it. Gimme time.

Bringin Sexy Back..

2007-09-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

I just have something to say real quick.

I am not a particularly large Justin Timberlake fan. He's always been just another whatever pop-tart to me. But today I have a stupid cold and I'm lazing out on my couch and too lazy to change the channel, which happens to be HBO, which happens to be playing JT's Future Sex / Love Sounds concert from MSG. So I watch.

I just gotta say that like his music or not (which I do not particularly), he might be one of the most talented artists of our generation. Seriously. I gained some respect for him today. I've forgiven him for dating Britney.

Now I don't think he has a particularly handsome face, and he is not MY type by a long shot, but nevertheless... the man is devastatingly attractive, he dances (like rocks out dances), sings (yes, actually sings through the whole show... while dancing), acts (he's done a'ight for himself), and I watched him play at least 5 instruments during that show (piano, keyboards, drums, guitar, base), he also writes and produces some of his stuff. In the current age of lip synchers and over produced talentless "faces"... this guy actually surprised me today. Wouldn't necessarily call myself a fan, but I can respect the immense amount of talent there.

JT shocked me today. That's all.

Im going back... back to school!

2007-09-04T06:38:00.000-05:00

Happy Back to School day everyone!

Peace OUT y'all!

2007-08-08T23:23:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon I'm leaving the country. No not for good sillies... how would I live without my daily dose of Corky and Birdman?? =) Hubby and I and his family are going to Croatia to cisit his relatives for 2 weeks and we are also spending a few nights in Venice. I have been feudally trying to learn the language for the last month, but I generally dont have the patience for things like that anymore. So its 12:30 and Im still packing so Im gonna have to cut this short, but Ill miss you all! Leave me fun comments while Im gone!

PS- got a new computer... finally!

Florida, Harry Potter, Beach Day 6, etc..

2007-07-19T07:47:00.000-05:00

So Im off to Florida tomorrow afternoon! I didnt think this trip was gonna happen this year, but my step dad found me some cheap airfare last minute so Im off! And the best part?? Hubby decided literally last week that he is coming too! So what was going to be me being lazy by the pool with a book had become an all out 4-day Disney vacation! Im pumped! My parents have a condo on the back of the Animal Kingdom property so we're staying with them for free and we're super close. Its the first time (except high school choir trips) that Ive ever stayed off property though... we'll see. Free is free!

Friday night when we land in Orlando we will be proceeding directly to Barnes & Noble to wait on line for the midnight release of the new Harry Potter book! Pumped about that too! How dweeby am I?? When I found out we would be in Florida for the release I called ahead to the Orlando B&N and ordered the book there for my mom and I! We also saw the movie last week, though our attempts at seeing it at midnight on Tuesday night were thwarted by mom working a 124 hour day that day and me having back to school night that night. Some people have said its not as good as the others, but I thought it was pretty great, Im not gonna lie. They definitely dont do any catching you up on the previous movies, so you've gotta be on you HP game! And yes, they left a lot out, but I thought it was great. And the CG and cinematography were fantastic! OK, enough of me being dorky.

In other news, my computer is still broken. Boo. Last weekend was Hubby's birthday and we spent the day at the beach, then had dinner with his mom and had a pretty decent party at our house that night. I ordered him some wine for his B-day (among other small things) only to find out on Monday that it hadnt even shipped from Cali yet due to a "weather hold" across the country. Apparently its too hot across the country to ship it in a truck for 3 days. WTF? Arent those things air conditioned?? Oh well. I think he had a good bday anyway. Even if his mom and bro did show up an hour late for coffee and cake because they couldnt wrench themselves away from the buffet in Atlantic City.

Lame July 4th...

2007-07-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

This was without a doubt the lamest July 4th I have ever experienced. It was rainy and nasty all day and I pretty much did nothing- went walking for a bit, made some dinner, paid some bills... BORING!! What happened to the keggers of yester year?? We didnt even get any bonus days off work... just Wednesday. Holidays on Wednesdays blow.

The only saving grace to this holiday was that I went to see Transformers on Tuesday night and WOW I feel like a tool but that was an AWESOME freakin movie! Go see is now, its FANTABULOUS!

Beach Day 5 and such...

2007-07-02T07:45:00.001-05:00

Beach day #5 went off without a hitch on Saturday! The normal crew plus Megs and my bro joined us! Sandy Hook came through for us as always, with almost no traffic despite it being a holiday weekend. There was plenty of drinking, but not quite as much as last time, which is a darn good thing cuz Hubby was worse for the wear after last weekend!!

We broke out the boogie boards for the first time this season cuz the waves were great! And lemmee tell ya, my whole body hurt from it on Sunday! That's how you know you're getting old and out of shape... when 2 hours of boogie boarding makes you wanna curl up in a ball and die!

In less exciting news, my computer is still broken and blogging from work is becoming exceedingly difficult. So I'm not gone... just hindered. I'm doin my best! Somebody email me is Mrs Corky has the baby!

Beach Day #4

2007-06-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

Beach day 4 was a raving success! A whole mess load of us high tailed it back to Sandy Hook on Monday (Hubby even played hooky from work!!) where we proceeded to drink the day away under the intermittently cloudy and sunny skies. We played a bit of half-assed beach volleyball and Broski showed up around 1 with his acoustic guitar and jammed for us for a while. It was the grand finale to my vacation week, as today it was back to the grindstone at work. I was in no condition to drive myself home when we finally left the beach at like 5pm (we got there around 10:15), so Lisa drove my car home and we all went out for Portuguese BBQ looking like beach scrubs. To cap it all of we stopped at DQ for small chocolate banana split Blizzards on the way home. All in all a marvelous time was had by all!

Beach Days 2 & 3

2007-06-23T19:09:00.000-05:00

So Thursday we went back to Sandy Hook- this time just by bro-in-law, me and 2 people from work. I was a bit apprehensive about this trip, because these work people and I have never really hung out much before (our Tuesday beach trip with G was our first real day together and Monday night was the first time we hung out outside of school at all- we have just eaten lunch together). But we had a great time! I think bro in law might have an inseey binseey crush on Lisa from work. =) Did you know you can drink on the beach at Sandy Hook because it it a national park and thus not under the NJ Beach laws?? "I learned something today... I always thought that dogs laid eggs..."

Now where was I?? Oh yes... Lisa and Reid from work. Well Friday was Lisa's birthday so we went out for Hibachi with her after I ran my moms garage sale all day and got very sunburned in the process. And lemme tell you, that was the hottest Hibachi place I have ever eaten at even without the sunburn! That table was RADIATING heat in all directions! My contacts were glued to my eyes by the end of the night and I collapsed in bed with a headache.

Today I got up at 6:30 to help set up more signs for moms garage sale and help them get set up, and then Hubby and bro-in-law and G and Lisa and some of G's friends from home all piled in the cars and headed down to Manasquan for the day... WOW GUIDO CENTRAL! I am generally opposed to the shore on a weekend because there are entirely too many people, but G promised the traffic to Manasquan wouldn't be too bad. It wasn't but WOW the Guido's!! Totally one of those "See and be seen" kinda places that I despise. We had fun though. Hubby got wicked sunburned. Gotta say Lisa was on like a rock star while we were walking to the beach:

Lisa (In Crocodile Hunter voice): "We have spotted the elusive Guido. We must approach the Guido with caution. If he is receptive to our approach, we may proceed with the fist pump. We have brought a Guido female of our own (G) to entice him...." LMAO at her fer serious!

I'm generally super anti-social at work and try not to hang out with work people as friends because...well... I think it comes from having been raised my mom mom and step dad who work together and... well, I have plenty of drama in my home and work live without having the 2 mesh, ya know? I don't need to bring home drama to work and work drama home... buy seeing how I have spent my entire week off hanging out with Lisa and Reid, Id say that I now consider them friends. And good ones at that! I like them both a lot and may have to bend my friends at work rule for them. Just this once. Twice. Whatever... they're good people.

We're heading back down on Monday for Beach day #4, but I think we'll be returning to ol' faithful Sandy Hook to reduce the Guidoage.

Beach Day #1

2007-06-20T14:50:00.000-05:00

Beach day number 1 has been completed! (See here for details)

G and I went down to Sandy Hook with some other work friends and GIJoeDad and A Look at my Day and their little boy (who is so incredibly cute BTW, if you could only be blessed with kids as good as him you might want to have 10!).

I never went to Sandy Hook in HS and college really. I much preferred the buzz of Point Pleasant or Seaside Heights (where you can get FANTASTIC cheese steaks at Midway). But in my old age I have grown to much prefer Sandy Hook for a variety of reasons. Namely that it is super close to home, cheap cause you pay by the car and not by the person to get on the beach, there are like 5 beaches (not including the nude one) so you can always find someplace to go where there aren't 5 million people, and there is a concession stand so you don't have to lug deli sandwiches with you or sip warm water all day.

The highlight of it all was that we laid out from 10-2:30 and little Irish me got some color but didn't get an ounce of sunburn! That never happens... Usually I'm hiding under a long sleeve shirt, pants, a towel, and an umbrella after like 2 hours. Thanks Coppertone Sport SPF 30!

1 down, 9 to go!

School's Out for Summer!

2007-06-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

No its not really. Its out for a week then we go back for summer session until August 8th. But at last its out for a week! Woo Hoo!

I work so hard all year. I bust my butt. I feel like celebrating the end of school even if its only for a week. I feel like someone should say "hey have a happy last day of work" or when I come home they should say something like "hey, congrats on being done with work for a week, lest go out to dinner to celebrate!" with a big hug. I'm afraid what Ill get is more likely to be "whats for dinner tonight?"

I think to some people me being done with school means I should use the extra time to catch up on stuff around the house, and since I'm not working and all I should pick up extra chores... but I took a job in a school for a reason. I know myself well enough to know that I am too high anxiety and high stress to work all year without breaks. That's right breaks. Times when I have no expectations, nothing to achieve, no jobs to do, nothing to stress about. Ill go crazy without that. That's how I am and how Ive always been. Take it or leave it. It would be nice for the people who love and care about me to understand this and congratulate me on getting through another year of shit and encourage me to take this one measly week to relax and not do anything because "you've earned it baby".

That would be marvelous to hear.

Specially since I cant really do nothing this week. Gotta take my mom to have surgery on Wednesday and run a garage sale for her on Friday and Saturday. But Ill do that for her gladly. Because I love her and because she does an awful lot for me.

WOO HOO again to school being out!!

When in Rome...

2007-06-17T20:23:00.001-05:00

Talked to my father today. For almost an hour. Mostly about quitting smoking, being fat, and his potential for ever becoming a grandfather (my two half sisters have no kids). I apologized for missing his birthday a few weeks back. He did NOT apologize for missing my anniversary. Don't think he noticed actually. Whatever.

Had a blast at a BBQ at my parents house shooting the shit with them and my bro and his girlfriend and her parents and my mother and brother in laws.

Hubby did not have such a good time. Apparently I talk too much. I don't think I was any more part of the conversation than anyone else. I think HE'S the one that sat and didn't talk all night. My family is loud and talkative and a little crazy.

When in Rome...

Bitch

2007-06-17T19:58:00.001-05:00

You know what annoys me? Men. Men annoy me. We both cook. We both work full time. I do almost every single nightly and weekly chore like, say, the dishes, making the coffee, straightening up, cleaning, dusting, the laundry, the folding, the ironing, putting away the clothes, sorting the mail, paying the bills, grocery shopping, feeding the cats... I could go on but Ill stop there. He has two weekly chores- water the plants (which I could care less if he does cuz I hate the fuckin plants) and take out the garbage and recycling. Occasionally he gets a bigger job like power washing the house or fixing a leaky faucet. None of these things, however can ever seem to be done without him for some reason desperately needing help from me. This annoys me.

You know what makes me angry? When someone gets mad cuz you won't help them do their chores because you are doing something else.

Wait... You know what pisses me off? When you're in an argument with someone and they yell obscenities at you or call names like they're on the playground in second grade.

Wait, wait... you know what REALLY pisses me off?? When you are in an argument with someone and you try to talk to them rationally or ask them a question and they blow you off like they didn't even hear you. Because to me that's the lowest form of disrespect because its easy to ignore or blow off people you don't give a damn about, but people you care about should be hard to ignore. Especially when they are upset. You know, because you CARE about them and their feelings.

Wait, wait, wait... You wanna know what pisses me off more than just about anything in the whole world??? When someone gets angry for no reason, calls you names, ignores you, AND THEN GOES ON ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG, LAUGHING AT THE TV, TALKING JOVIALLY ON THE PHONE!

Its insulting. And demeaning. And disrespectful and immature.

And hurtful.

Untransferred!

2007-06-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

As of yesterday at 3pm I have officially been UNtransferred at work!!! Woo Hoo!! I do NOT have to drive an hour to work each day or work in the unfurnished, unstocked, administrative and organizational hell that is our new school!

The decision had nothing to do with me. They screwed up and didn't send any oral-motor trained therapists to the new school and had to transfer one in to take the oral-motor caseload there. Thus one of us had to be switched out and since I'm the only one who put in a written request to stay... =)

Its all very exciting... though I will have to wait until Thursday to find out if I have to take all new students at my school now since the caseloads were already assigned... I may have to take part of the caseload of the woman they transferred to the new school in my place... and MAN does she have a crappy caseload. Whatever... I get to stay with G and Megs and not commute an hour, so Ill suck it up and deal!

Its kinda weird though, I had sorta just resigned myself to going to the new school and gotten mentally ready for it. So when they first told me I was transferred back I was almost disappointed for a minute, even though its what I had been asking for all along... ever have that experience? You wish so hard for something and then when you actually get it you're almost disappointed because you psyched yourself out for something else entirely?? Weird feeling. But I'm over it. Just happy to stay where I am.

Now to go about unpacking all those boxes I packed...

Dont stop believin'?

2007-06-10T21:24:00.000-05:00

Seriously??

No... Seriously???

I havent watched this show for the last 2 seasons really... ever since they took a 3 year hiatus because everyone was anorexic or in prison or whatnot and then came back with the worst season in the history of television. I have watched bits and pieces and listened to the lunchroom gossip. But I thought I would give it a shot tonight, since it was the finale and all.

Wow.

What a load of crap.

That was actually worse than the ending of Pirates 3, which I thought was utterly deplorable.

Knocked Up rocked though, although I dont think it was funnier than 40 Year Old Virgin. It was funny... but not THAT funny.

This weekend had so much promise... 2 movies and a series finale! If Knocked Up hadnt saved the day it would've been a total wash.

In my next life Im coming back as Katherine Heigl.

Or a cat.

Clean up, Clean up...

2007-06-08T07:20:00.000-05:00

SO what do you do when your life feels out of control or when you are really upset? Some people eat, some people drink or do drugs, some people go shopping... I clean. Compulsively.

Its not like I'm the only one who does this, I know. The psychology of exerting control over your external world in order when your internal world feels out of control is the reason that anorexics become anorexic and abused women have flawless hair, makeup, and homes. When we feel like our inner emotions are in turmoil, we take actions on those things that we CAN control... Maybe you cant control your crappy father, but you can control how many cheeseburger you have. Get it? We all do this in different ways and I wanna know what yours is.

My mom's next door neighbors have 2 sons who are both drug dealers, both drug addicts, have both been to jail. Their house and yard are immaculate. They repaint the shutters every year and mow the lawn twice a week and plant new flowers every month and repave the driveway every time it has a crack. They clearly cant control their kids, but they can control their house. I suppose this begs a "chicken and egg" argument of whether the parents went attentive enough and thus begot uncontrollable kids, or whether the kids were uncontrollable and thus they took control elsewhere. I didn't know them before they had kids, so I cant answer that. But I can tell you that I have compulsively cleaned when upset since I was about 5. Most kids run to their room and cry themselves to sleep when they feel upset. I ran to my room and cleaned it.

I envy people that use food to make them feel better. I just love food all the time. So thus, it cant be relied upon solely to help me take control of my life. I do think that part of the reason I love food so much is that its it predictably wonderful in a world of unpredictability and that often when my day was crappy I fell like I earned something good... and food is good... and so I eat it. But that's different that this issue. That's used as reward, not as a control method.
I cleaned my entire house floor to ceiling on Wednesday. For 5 hours. Partly because it was a disaster, but mostly because this week I was feeling like life was spinning out of control so quickly... so I cleaned. And I feel better now.

What do you do to take control in this crazy, crazy world?

The week that got away.

2007-06-06T06:56:00.000-05:00

Ever have a week that just got away from you, like wild horses were running away with your life and you were just being dragged along for the ride?? This week has been a bit like that for me. After spending Saturday in New Hope and washing, drying, folding, and putting away 7 loads of laundry on Sunday in addition to making dinner for the 'rents, the weekend was simply useless for anything like cleaning the house or going grocery shopping. Then Monday was our anniversary and we went to dinner and Hubby's mom had an endoscopy and we took care of her for awhile, and Tuesday I had a work wedding shower after work and went from there directly to the hospital because Hubby's mom had her gallbladder removed yesterday. She ended up having to stay the night so tonight will probably be spent at her place getting her situated. My uncle also had surgery yesterday... but I didn't even get to call him. In addition, I got an email from an old friend that simply HAD to be responded to yesterday and I HAD to pay the bills last night lest the creditors start sending representatives to my house during dinner. The bills that I had to go to my in-laws to pay because my computer is crappy crappy crappy! Then when you figure in that keeping up with Corky's Log these days requires an hour at the computer just to plod through the comments from his massive fanbase...

All of this is fine, and it has been a pretty good week despite all this. But I feel a bit like I am running from one "must-do" to the next. And I'm not even managing those very well! We completely forgot to put the garbage out on Monday night, I haven't been grocery shopping is so ling the only things in my fridge are condiments and soda, the house looks like a cyclone went off in it, a small starving nation might be able to end its hunger by eating off my kitchen floor, and the bathrooms are starting to grow new forms of life. Do you think I should call like NASA or somebody about that?? I don't want to go to prison for harboring any illegal life forms...

I don’t need boxes wrapped in string ....

2007-06-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

Today is crappy and rainy outside, but two years ago today it was a gorgeous sunny 80 degrees and I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. Today is my two year wedding anniversary! We may not have had a story-book perfect 2 years, but we are stronger now than we have ever been and more in love every day.

Including dating time we have been together for the better part of 9 years. We have come a long way, especially if you consider the fact that when we started dating I was 18 and he was 19. Just kids! I think all marriages have growing pains in the first few years, no matter how well you know and love someone, as a result of trying to grow together and maintain your individuality. I think we've done a great job of that. My favorite thing about Hubby is that he challenges me every day. He calls me out on my shit. He doesn't let me get away with nonsense and wont concede a point to let me be right. I need that, because that's how I am to him too. Ive been in relationships where I was always right and doted on like crazy, but I personally feel more loved and respected when I am in a relationship where the person cares enough about me to treat me like a real person, an equal, by actually hearing what I have to say and responding to it honestly. We may have had our share of issues, but honesty, trust, and communication have never been one of them.

Anyway, we didn't want to spend a lot of money this year, so Hubby surprised me with a day trip to New Hope, PA on Saturday. Neither of us has been there since we were like 15. (There are not nearly as many bongs, pipes, and pleather suites as I remember). We had a great day just hanging out spending some actual time together.

On the way home we stopped at a little winery on Route 202 called Amwell Valley Vineyard. It was beautiful and we got to taste some really good wine... so good we ended up bringing home a case!

If we can get reservations I think we're going to go to dinner someplace local tonight. Its been a great weekend and a perfect way to celebrate our anniversary. Hope you all had good weekends too!

I love you Hubby!

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'Cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in string
and designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe well find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cuz everyone is forgiven now
'Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we can live
and something only you can give
and that’s faith and trust and peace
while we’re alive.

Life comes at you fast...

2007-06-01T07:40:00.000-05:00

Last night started out normal enough. Hubby and I made dinner and he went to work on his dad's bike for awhile so we can sell it while I went to have the worlds worst passport photos taken. But life comes at you fast..

Hubby's mom was hospitalized again last night. Not sure if I mentioned it, but in March she was suddenly hospitalized for a cardiac cath and angioplasty. She had felt fine but her heart rate was too high for her to get a clearance for the gym, so she went to the doctor and yadda yadda yadda... she would up in the hospital and taking 17 daily medications.

Apparently yesterday she began having an unbearable pain in her abdomen somewhere around 3pm, and when we go there at 8pm to take her to the ER she could hardly move. Whats with parents and not wanting to get help until the most dire possible second?? MY mom sometimes doesnt even tell me when she is sick or going to the hospital, I find out the next day from my brother, or occasionally 3 months later when something dramatic has resulted.... like when she fell off an 8 foot ladder 3 days before my wedding and didnt tell anyone and would up with massive nerve damage in her ribcage.

Anyway, Hubby's mom apparently had some kind of gallbladder attack and is having it removed today. She will likely be in the hospital until Saturday. We are not sure what this means for the big graduation party she was supposed to have next weekend for Hubby's bro's masters graduation... Also not sure what it means for the surprise anniversary plans Hubby was making for us this weekend. =(

Life comes at you fast.

NJSHA

2007-05-31T07:54:00.000-05:00

I did this awhile ago... NJSHA is the New Jersey Speech-Language Hearing Association, of which I am a member (ben=ing a speech pathologist and all). 2 years ago I was asked to sing on a commemorative CD for them with 2 other girls and a guy. Im not sure how they knew I sing... I think one of my professors in college refferred me. Anyhoo, we went to a recording studio in NYC one day 2 summers ago and recorded 3 cheesy songs for NJSHA to use in this anniversary video, which they showed at an awards dinner and at the annual convention. The songs are terrible- they were cheesy "NJSHA words" set to the tunes of New York, New York, Mambo #5, and some other one I didnt sing on. But I had a blast and the singing came out pretty good.

I edited this down so its just the New York, New York one, cuz thats the only one I really sang individually on (I did backup on the other one). Its me and one other girl. I think we sound pretty different, but for those who need some help she sings first, then I sing, then we both sing, then I sing then she sings then we both sing then I sing... You'll figure it out.

So feel honored! I hardly let anyone hear me sing anymore, but I thought you would enjoy!

Summer plans...

2007-05-29T11:53:00.001-05:00

Things Im dying to do this summer:

spend a minimum of 10 days on the beach... might happen if i try.

go to great adventure for the first time in 6 years... only happening if I go by myself on a weekday... no one else wants to go and Hubby wont do a weekend.

possibly go to the water park... even less likely that the above.

still wanna go camping on the Delaware where you can hike and raft, like I have for the last 6 years... prolly not gonna happen.

Walk in the park instead of the treadmill... ok, this will happen

Would love to go mountain biking somewhere cool since Ive never been anywhere but the trails by my house.... but dont feel like goin alone and no one else rides so...

spend an extended weekend down the shore doing nothin but drinking, sunning, playin in the ocean or bay... or a pool (not picky), and jet skiing... this is possible I suppose if I feel like sucking up to the Cop.

go to Croatia and Venice... this we are doing in August for 2 weeks! =)

Id really like to go to Florida with my parents... but its unlikely.

I would like to see the new movies when they come out- not 2 months later on video (yeah right)

Ive been wanting to go to a big outdoor concert for like 2 years... the likelihood of that I suppose depends on once being scheduled near here.

Have more backyard BBQs than nights at the bar... who knows!

Is there a way I could eat Cold Stone Creamery Cake Batter Ice Cream every night of the summer and still lose 30 lbs??? Not even if I go to the gym every day??

There will be more

Missed you all!

2007-05-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

April and May are busy busy months for me historically. This year was no exception.

When I broke my arm I was out of work for over 2 weeks and I returned to work to a veritable shitstorm. I had paperwork and progress notes and IEPs out my ass and a whole slew of materials to make. In short there was no time at work to be pissing away on blogger. I got there early every day and stayed late every night for 3 or 4 weeks. I was cranky and tired every day and by the time I got home to my crappy computer that has decided not to open any new windows once one is open, I had no time, energy, or patience left to do anything but sit on the couch. I didnt even go to the gym in all of April or May, which resulted in me gaining back all the weight I had lost at the gym since February. Oh well.

We've been really really busy on the weekends too. As this is our first spring as homeowners, we have spent every waking moment outside planting and seeding and throwing backyard BeerBQs. Hubby finds gardening enjoyable and is growing a bunch of tomatoes and peppers and herbs (basil, parsley, cilantro, rosemary, thyme). I however, find gardening to be nothing but another chore, what with all the watering and weeding and pest control. We have also powerwashed the house and unfortunately had to powerwash the pavered back patio twice- once cause hubby left out a paint tray in the rain and it splashed paint all over the patio, and once because someone kicked over a citronella candle on the patio). Now we have to re-sand the whole thing cuz we blew it all out with all the powerwashing... home ownership is so much fun!

We did have a rockin Memorial Day/Housewarming party this weekend. About 100 people including all of our neighbors, some of whom got trashed and passed out on their front stoops that night. The party was so slammin, someone on the block behind us called the cops, who came to tell us to kep it down. That hasnt happened to me since high school! We also had guests staying with us from out of town this weekend and thus we were pretty much drunk and/or cleaning for 3 days straight. A great time was had by all!

The only troublesome news of late it that I have been transferred at work... Effective June 26th I will be moving to the Warren DLC facility, a brand new 41 million dollar site with all the cutting edge bells and whistles... Its also an hour from my house in 7:30am weekday traffic and its going to be an administrative and logistical nightmare for the first few years. The place has been all over the news, especially with April being national Autism month.

If I had to see one more sappy special about the newest non-cure for Autism or read one more statistic about how the entire population of the world is apparently Autistic now, I was gonna scream. The incidence isnt up people... there is better diagnosis and more people in the world. Well, that and the fact that at least half my school isnt actually Autistic but cognitively and behaviorally impaired or multiply handicapped... the doctors are diagnosing everyone as Autistic these days cuz it gets the kids more public school services and makes the parents feel better than telling them their child is neurologically or cognitively impaired. By definition, you cant have Autism if you have any other associated physical or mental abnormality- Autism is by definition social and communicative impairment IN THE ABSENCE OF other abnormalities. There are kids in my school with feeding tubes and leg braces, blindness, cerebal palsy, ADD OCD, ODD, emotionally disturbed, downs syndrome, and a host of other things. But if they are behaviorally challenging in any way they cant be served by the public school system, so they get classified as Autistic and sent to us.

NOT AUTISTIC.

Autism is not taking over the world, its politics and money. Thats all. Most of the kids in my school wouldnt have been educated at all 15 years ago- they would have been institutionalized, but we dont do that these days courtesy of Dubbya's "No child left behind" nonsense. (Oh alright, it makes sense for inner city regular ed kids, but not for special ed.. these kids learn at their own rate.) My 16 year old kids are learning to respond by looking when their name is called, but we have to somehow make sure we show progress on 10th grade physics curriculum thanks to Bubba Bush.

Oh, and your kid isnt going to become Autistic from mercury in drinking water or getting their vaccinations or because you were a bad parent. I could go on,but Ill stop now if you all help stop the spread of this nonsense.

Anyway, this new school has been all over the news and now all the parents want their kids to go there because the media has successfully convinced them that this school is going to cure their kid. Now when the kid doesnt progress just because the walls changed who do you think they will blame?? "Well it must be the teachers and therapists not doing their jobs then." Its a crock of shit. PLUS, the admin is freely admitting they arent ready to open- there are no desks, no tables, no chairs, no materials of any kind... but they need the tuition to keep up with construction costs, so we're opening in June instead of next September. With no speech materials. And parents who expect a miracle for their non-autistic kid. Sigh. But they pay so damn well....

So off to Warren I go. =(

Oh, and Hubby and I's 2-year anniversary is on June 4th... =)

MIA

2007-05-11T07:37:00.001-05:00

Um, yeah.... Ive been MIA for a while.... busy busy...

Be back in a sec...

October Road

2007-04-07T10:34:00.000-05:00

Are you guys watching this show?? If not you need to start now! Dont miss another episode (there have only been 4 so far). October Road is a show about a guy who leaves everyone in his hometown after high school and runs away and writes a best selling novel using all his hometown friends as characters. He comes home for the first time 10 years later to a bunch of family and friends who are simotaneously intrigued by and uber-mad at him for airing their small town laundry in a big-time book. He also discovers that the girlfriend he left 10 years ago has a son who is aproximately 9.3 years old... veeerry interesting he thinks, so he decides to stay home for a while and work out some of this drama. This really explains it much better. Great show. And its got that red-headed chic from That 70s Show in it, only she's really pretty in this!

If the above was not enough to pull you in, this show has the most killer soundtrack of any TV show ever (yeah, better than Grey's Anatomy too). Go here and read themusic in this show! The first episode featured REO Speedwagon, Collective Soul, the Gin Blossoms, and Boston! Episode 2 featured Poison!

C'mon people. If 10pm is too late for you, tape or video it or catch it online. If you grew up in a small town in the 90s with a tight circle of friends you're gonna dig this show!

You watch him as he stutters over what to say...

2007-04-05T19:17:00.000-05:00

Hubby lied to me today.

This is the second time in our 8+ year relationship that I can remember him lying to me... however its also the second time in a month. Twice in a month? The first lie was not such a big deal really so it didn't bother me, though I dont really get why he would lie about it. When my arm was first broken a few weeks ago I asked him one night if he had checked "the blogs" today because signing on the computer was a laborious task that I didnt feel like going through if there were no new posts. He looked at me like I had 7 heads and said NO with such disdain... like "why would I possibly have checked the blogs, dont be silly." So I proceeded to tell him that I new he was lying cause Site Meter tells me he has checked my blog, the Birdman's Pantry, and Corky's Log every day (usually 2-3 times a day) since August. I didnt really make a big deal out of this little lie though since until then he didnt know that I KNEW he was reading the blogs every day. Maybe he though I was trying to set him up! Anyway, that didnt bother me cause all I really wanted to know was whether or not there were new blogs that day.

Today,however, is a different story. Last night Hubby went out with his fraternity alums for their monthly trivia night at Hooters. I have no problem with this.I also had no problem when he called to say the boys wanted to go to the strip club across the street for a while. Strip clubs dont bother me- my opinion is that I dont care where you work up your appetite as long as you eat at home. In this light, I was an extremely easy-going fiancee when he went out for his bachelor party. I told him not to do anything that could bring him home with a disease from one of the crack whores. Im no fool. I (personally) know that people routinely pay easy money for a little oral gratification in the back room (or slightly more money for a little more than that...) But I trust Hubby so this has never been an issue for me. While I know that his oh-so-endearing friends tried their best to buy him some head at his bachelor party, he didnt take it that far and came home and told me all about it and all the skanky fools who did. SOOO... when Hubby came home in a drunken stupor last night at 1am and told me he took $40 out of the account and "only spent $20 on beer" I knew that meant he got a lap dance. Not a big deal. Who cares about a boner and little titty twisting? I immediately returned to sleep. But then tonight he was telling me about the night's adventures and he said the place obviously doesn't put their A-Team out on Thursday nights because the girls were all busted except for one hot-ish girl, so I asked if he at least got the lap dance form the hot one and he said "I DIDNT GET A LAP DANCE!" At which point I reminded him that he basically already told me about it last night and he was kinda like..." oh, yeah I did, but no the hot girl left already by then".

So Im confused... if Ive never cared about strip clubs and lap dances before, and never given you a hard time about it, why would there be any need to try to lie about it? There's no consequence... WHY LIE?? If he hadnt come home drunk last night ans spilled the beans I never would have known he was lying today!! And see... NOW I have a problem with strip clubs. As long as you were honest, I never did. Anything done under the influence of alcohol can be forgiven as long as you're truthful, but lying I cant forgive so easily. When the strip club becomes something you have to lie about, thats when it becomes a problem for me. Plus I feel kinda hurt by the blatant, unnecessary lie about him and another woman, even if she is a crack whore. Trust has never been an issue for us. Hubby might not always like what I have had to tell him or how long I took to tell him things, but I have never lied to him, and I have never cheated on him. All these little nonsense lies are eventually going to shake that trust however and make me more hesitant to trust his word in the future, which is sad and unfortunate.

SO guys, why would he lie?? Do I have a right to be upset a little or am I over reacting?

The things I do to people I love- Part 3: "There's things I remember and things I forget"

2007-03-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

In HS I went through about 5 different groups of "Best Friends". At one point I was BFF with a girl I've previous referred to as "The Friend" and a guy we'll call "the Supastar" (we all knew he was gay though he didn't come out until college). To this day (as good as my current friends are) I consider that time we spent together to be the truest, deepest friendships I have ever had.

The Friend was older and I really looked up to her and learned form her- she was not my first experience with cigarettes, pot, or alcohol, but she did successfully make all those things an ACTIVE part of my life. She also got me out of my own head and over myself and taught me to live freely. "So what if its January, wanna drive to the beach at midnight and lay on the beach listening to Alanis Morisette? OK lets go!" That was the kind of person she was. She would show up at your door and say, "We're going to New Hope". I had never been that kind of person- I was methodical and cautious... she taught me to live like her. I think I miss that time most because its the time that I most felt like my true self in my entire life. She was like my non-romantic soul mate. When she went away to college and left me here in this small town I truly mourned the loss of her almost like you would mourn the loss of your first love, it was that deep. I even remember cutting school one day to come home and all I did was cry about it. She was the BEST best friend I ever had (and I have some good ones to this day, believe me).

Anyway I really messed up that relationship and I miss her a lot. I always have. Because once she went away to school I was into "me" again and acted accordingly. If you want the rest of the story you can follow the label on the bottom of the post. (The short story if you don't feel like following the links is that after she went away to school I dated and slept with her good friend who she had a secret crush on (the First), slept with another boy she crushed on whom she had introduced me to a summer camp (Lloyd), and then fell in love with her senior prom date (Eddie). Yeah, she has every reason to hate me... but I still hate it.)

Anyway the other night I was on her MySpace page. Ive sent her several messages and left her a few desperate comments asking her to talk to me but she has never responded. Ive kinda given up on it I guess, though it kills me all the time knowing that I ruined the best friendship I ever had without realizing it. I was thinking about her and realizing that even after all that happened I can't remember there ever being a fight between us where we weren't going to be friends anymore... it just kinda drifted away. I remember going to her school to visit and it was weird cause she knew about the First but wasn't talking about it, and I knew that she knew but wasn't saying anything... and I remember calling her when I got my first car and asking her how to set the radio cause she had the same kind of car... but... Was that the last time I spoke to her?? Then I was thinking about the First and trying to remember how the whole affair between us started in the first place... Had I known at the time that she had a crush on him??? If so why would I have done that to her?? So I couldn't have known, right?? But then why did I keep it a secret?? Then I noticed that the Supastar was pictured on her friends and I started thinking about him. I realized that I cant even remember how I fell out of friendship with him. WHY CANT I REMEMBER ANY OF THESE THINGS THAT SO INTIMATELY SHAPED MY LIFE AND WHO I AM NOW???

The Friend was 2 years older than me and the Supastar was one year older, so after she left I THINK I was still BFF with him for all of his senior year.... but... why do I have no memory of that really?? I sorta do... I remember us hanging out with this other girl for a while until she got way too involved with heroine... I know we snuck out to go to a club in NYC at one point and that I drove so that had to be that year if I had a car... dunno I just cant remember what happened. Were we friends at all that year after the shit hit that fan with the Friend?? Or did I loose him later that year when I fell in love with Eddie? I cant remember and its driving me crazy. I'm sure it was my fault somehow, I just feel like I should remember that! And I want to talk about it and apologize for the people I hurt and the things I did wrong... and maybe we're different people now and will never be friends, but is it so wrong to seek out people from the past if what you want to do is create a corrected memory and give them the apologies they have been lacking for 10 years? They've spent so much time hating me I think its fair they get to know that Ive been hurting that time too, maybe that will make THEM feel better.

Birdman once accused me of trying to High Fidelity everyone in my past so I could "be forgiven and feel all clean and calm inside". Sigh. I don't want it to be like that. I don't really want answers per se... I feel like that when you go back to an ex who dumped you and you say "why did you dump me?" I would never do that. And I think it would be different if I was looking up people who wronged ME long ago and digging up old issues saying "PS- why did you do that to me 10 years ago, you're a bitch for that!" But neither of those are what I'm about... I just cant stand knowing that there are people out there harbouring ill will against me and if there is anything I can still do to settle their minds I'd like to do it. Is that so wrong??

So I added the Supastar to my friends and he approved it and I really want to send him some kinda message but I just don't know where to start... mostly because I cant even remember if we ended on good terms or bad... and this was one of my best friends! I did this when I found April and the First on MySpace and I contacted them all "happy to see you" and found out they were holding me in disdain for an issue I had forgotten occurred causing me immeasurable anxiety. Then I found the Friend on MySpace and she wouldn't speak to me which gave me more anxiety. Then I found Lloyd on IM and we were hashing out old issues and that... well that anxiety nearly killed me but that's another post. I just don't know. I need to remember what happened, but my track record with this sorta thing is not so good. I want to know, I need to know, but I just don't know if I can handle one more person I cherish from my past reaming me out for things I cant remember occurring.

There's one more person who was involved in this phase of my life... lets call him the Republican. He was another member of this unusual friendship circle. (I should maybe note here that both the Republican and the Supastar are gay men, so there is no romantic aspect to any of this soul searching). He was my rock who was there through everything else without question or judgement. Then we sorta lost touch through college as I became involved with my future husband and he came out and started to find himself. But we stayed in friendly contact. I invited him to my college graduation party and he said he was coming and never showed up. The last time I remember seeing him is right after I got engaged and we went out to dinner so he could congratulate me. He seemed happy and excited for me and then... well either I dont know or dont remember what happened. I invited him to my engagement party and he never responded... so I didn't bother to invite him to the wedding, which kinda hurt... this was, again, one of my BEST friends absent from the most wonderful day of my life because of reasons unbenownst to me. Then last week Hubby saw him at the gym. The Republican didn't recognize him so he didn't say anything but it got me thinking again...

I need some advice here people. Do I contact the Supastar? The Republican? Do I keep trying to talk to the Friend? In my mind in a perfect world I would get to sit down to a long dinner with each of them and talk things out like grownups and maybe at the end of it we would each have regained a friend. Cause there is no one in this world who couldn't use another friend. But even if that wasn't possible, I would like to at least know that were we to bump into each other at say, a class reunion, or the mall, or THE GYM, it would be on kind and friendly terms and not be an uncomfortable moment full of tension and unspoken hurt. Opinions?

What if I just send them all the link to this blog and let them read it for themselves??

Sigh.

Broken

2007-03-10T11:18:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday I fell in my lunch break and broke my right elbow... again. The exact same bone and place that I broke it in college. Anyway who knows how long I have to be out of work for... Im in the cast till Monday. Could be out of work as long as 6-8 weeks but we'll see. Because of the nature of my students (they have austism) they want me to be able to defend myself at work. =( Anyway, typing in a long and laborious task so I might not be around for awhile. Miss you all!

Best week ever!

2007-02-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

Last week Hubby and I had what may possibly have been the best week of our 8 year relationship. Sometimes we get careless and comfortable with our relationship and forget to connect, forget to care, forget to make each other happy. I cant tell you exactly what clicked last week, but we made plans to go to dinner last Saturday night for Valentines Day. For some unexplained reason I agreed to go to a local "lingerie" store that I've been avoiding going to for years. We had a blast picking thing out there and laughing. There was a really funny guy there who was trying to return a dildo that he had bought for his wife... we almost couldn't contain ourselves. The we went to dinner... again, local, nothing special. But we had great conversation at dinner and REALLY talked... about all sorts of stuff. Then we came home and... well that was good too. Then for some reason we just managed to keep the good mood going all week. He's been the sweetest and most thoughtful he has ever been! Tuesday I had to take a half day to go to a rather daunting doctors appointment and he took a half day to come with me, then took me where ever I wanted for dinner since I had had to fast all day before my appointment. Wednesday it snowed (mostly it "iced" actually) and we went to his mom's for dinner so she wouldn't be alone on Valentines Day. I had a snow day so I got the entire house cleaned, did 8 loads of laundry, and felt inspired to shovel the driveway for Hubby so he wouldn't have to come home after a long day at work and shovel the driveway when I had been home all day. Thursday I had a delayed opening and I made us heart-shaped meatloaf and set the table with the good china and candles and then we went out to the bar with his friends from HS and got a lil sloppy... I wont go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say I really re-fell in love with that Hubby O'mine this week. And the nicer he gets the more I just instinctively want to do to make him happy.

Hope you all had good Valentines Days too!

Life aint perfect though. I had Friday and Monday off from work for winter break and I was intending to go home to Ohio to see my grandpa who's in a nursing home now, but the flights were too expensive and the weather forecast for Rt 80 this weekend was kinda patchy, so we didn't go. Instead, I decided to get an awful head cold on Friday morning and I have pretty much been curled in a ball in my bed with a box of Kleenex since then. Ugh! Well at least I got sick on a long weekend to I didn't have to take any more days off of work.

Gleaming the Cube

2007-02-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

SO the Birdman's post about Better Off Dead got me thinking about old-school movies that rock. Gleaming the Cube is NOT one of those movies... well not exactly. I came home from work the other day to find Hubby onthe couch watching this movie and I said "Whatcha watchin?" He was absolutely appalled that I had never seen this movie. I wasn't really into it at first, but when someone tells me Ive missed a quintessential 80s movie I always have to give it a shot. So I sat down to watch. I was hooked 10 mins in! The only thing is that I loved every moment of it for its ridiculous, over the top, 80s McDrama... I dont actually htink it was a good movie plotwise. But it does star Christian Slater as a teenage punk who's adopted Vietnamese brother is killed when he discovers that the shop he works in sends weapons to Vietnam instead of medications. The cops think it was suicide and so Christian Slater sets out on his skateboard to prove them wrong! LOL! In the end he and his "skater gang" (which includes a very young Tony Hawk) show them who's boss and avenge his brothers death after they go on a highway chase (yes, on their skateboards) with a puzza hut truck. Christian Slater also falls in love with the bad guys daughter. Dont get me wrong guys, Im not saying this is a GOOD movie, but it is definitely quinessentially 80s and worthy of another viewing if you havent seen it since then. This time, watch it as a comedy... you will not regret it!

I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough?

2007-02-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

I am pissed off beyond all pissed off. There are a number of contributing factors, but on the top of the list is that it seems that we owe the IRS $3000.00 in taxes because I was under withheld at work. And because neither my husband nor I was in school this year. Never mind the fact that between the two of us we are paying off $60,000.00 in student loans… And we just bought a $450,000.00 house… I can’t even talk about it. We can barely afford what we have to pay every month, how do anyone humanly expect us to come up with an extra three grand?? And no other teacher that I work with ever owes money… and all their husbands work too… WHY ME???

I’m upset about this. I was really upset about it last night… disappointed… depressed… It’s not about the actual money. It speaks to deeper issues wherein I feel like I constantly do everything right and consistently get shat on. I kill myself with stress and anxiety worrying about making sure I do everything possible to do things right, to not let other people down, to make other people happy, to exceed their expectations and not only do I not get any effort, appreciation, or compassion in return, usually all I get is more sh*t. Sometimes people just get upset about things. They may not seem like rational things to be upset about, but the feelings are very real to the person experiencing them. Sometimes ya just wanna be held and hear someone tell you that its all gonna be alright… ya know?

We never knew what friends we had, until we came to Leningrad...

2007-01-24T18:26:00.000-05:00

So have you ever gotten a phone call from the US Department of Defense wherein they have givin you the 3rd degree about one of your best friends while you were eating dinner? No? Oh, I have. Its a bit unnerving. I almost hung up on them cause the called ID said "Unknown" and I thought it was going to be a telemarketer for sure. Especially when the guy on the other end mispronounced my name... I cant believe I didnt hang up then. But I hung on long enough to hear "We'd like to ask you a few questions about Lieutenant GIJoeDad." GULP! (Oh shit... is he in trouble?????)I spit the Hamburger Helper out of my mouth and ran for a quiet room. Just after asking me for my name,address, phone number, occupation, employer, and first born child, the very nice DoD guy (Hi Big Brother!)finally said that GIJoeDad wasn't dead, in trouble, or being held hostage by Bin Laden (Hi again, Big Brother... stop flagging my blog now, I'm not a terrorist), but rather he was being investigated to have an increased security clearance. WHEW! (No pressure!) Aight, no problem I can do this! Here we go:

Him: "Have you ever seen GIJoeDad drunk?"
Me: (Gulp- does when we were 13 in Russia count?)"No"
Him: "Has GIJoeDad ever had any trouble with the law?"
Me: (Double Gulp- does being interrogated by the KGB count??)"Never"
Him:"Has he ever sought treatment or counseling for alcohol or substance abuse?"
Me: (Shit- I think there was a few weird years there in HS and college...)"No, not at all"

It went on like this for about 15 minutes. I made great friends with that VERY NICE DoD MAN. Then I hung up the phone and stared at my dinner in silence trying to figure out how many lies I just told to the Department of Defense.

Not too many I decided. They asked me if GIJoeDad was trustworthy (YES!), honorable (YES!!), patriotic (YES!!!), dependable (YES!!!!). He's also funny, kind, sweet, honest, and a fantastic father and husband. Not to mention that he is employed as a 2nd Lieutenant in the US Army and is currently on his second year-long tour in Iraq having been home for less than a year between tours. But most importantly, GIJoeDad and I have been there for each other through thick and thin since the day we met when we were 13 on a People to People Student Ambassador trip to Russia and I can unequivocally say that he is one my best friends in the whole world. I love him like a brother and I trust him and respect him immeasurably. And THATS what I told the VERY NICE DoD man.

Happy Birthday to me!

2007-01-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

Birthdays after 25 dont hurt so bad. 25 was a hard one for me. I didnt realize until halfway through the day that I had drawn some kind of mental line in my mind between childhood and adulthood at 25. Like if someone told me they were 22,23,24 I though "Oh, they're a kid, they go to parties and get drunk and such," but if someone told me they were 25,26,27 I thought "Oh, they're a grown-up. They have jobs and families and real lives". It hit me midway through the day on my 25th birthday and that was a tough one. On the bright side, I dont think 30 will be a big deal now having gone through that "grown-up" crisis already.

In general, I dont really like my birthday though. Birthdays, for me at least, are always anti-climactic. You expect the day to be about you and for everyone to do things to make you happy, but it never works out like that. People always get pissy and there are always arguements and disappointments. My birthday is not a national holiday. I could really care less.

Did you know that today is Blue Monday? Aparantly there have been all these scientific studies done showing that today is the unhappiest day of the year due to the arrival of holiday bills, the cold weather, the far-off arrival of spring, and the failure of many New Years resolutiuons. Cheers!

Anyway, I have every reason to think that 27 will be a good year, so... here's to 27!

Everyone's a little bit racist...

2007-01-21T18:17:00.000-05:00

What a f*ckin fantasitic show! I cant stress enough how much you all need to go see this. Yes, its "grown up Muppets" but that just doesnt do it justice. Its crude, its lewd, its raunchy, its hysterically funny, its political and whimsical at the same time. With songs like "It Sucks to be Me", "The Internet is for Porn", "What do you do with a BA in English?", "If You Were Gay", and (my personal favorite) "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist", really how can you go wrong?

The show is kindof about a group of people who all live in the same apartment complex on Avenue Q who are broke and stupid in their mid twenties/early thirties, just out of college with big aspriations but no "Purpose". Its also about love and sex and friendship. And "Gary Coleman" is the building super. FUNNY!!

A good time was had by all last night. It was the best birthday celebration Ive had in years!

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table...

2007-01-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?"...

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe...

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...
and breathe, just breathe...

Yeah, I dunno... just like that song right now. Not alot goin on lately. I think Ive lost some weight on my new healthy eating quest, 5-10 lbs probably. Im not exactly sure cause I have vowed not to weigh myself until April 1st, (Im in a pool at work and whoever looses the most by then wins $200!). But my pants seem to be fitting better and people keep telling me I look like Im losing weight... so... =)

My grandpa nearly died this week after a kidney, bladder, and bowl infection that knocked him out and left him very dehydrated and more than just a little confused. He's in a "rehab center" (nursing home) for the next few weeks and he is NOT happy about it. When he knows where he is... We'll see.

On a lighter note my birthday is Monday and 10 of us are going into the city on Saturday to see Avenue Q, which is supposed to be hysterical so I am very excited! Ill let you know how it is!

Why should you come when I call?

2007-01-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

So my dad left today... again... They came last weekend and had left on Monday to continue north for a bit. They spent some time in Mystic, CT and Newport, RI and then were going to make their way back home to Williamsburg via Atlantic City. So they called at 8:58 on Saturday morning to say they were in Warren and they were going to stop by for a bit. So I jumped out of bed and straightened up and put on some coffee. They didn't get here till like 12... apparently they got lost... lol. Anyway once they got here they tried to book a room in AC for Sat night and realized they couldn't but that they COULD get a room for Sunday and Monday... so I said they could stay with us last night and leave for AC today. I was really excited that they had come back again, and even more excited that they were going to stay another night... you'd think I would've learned not to get excited about him after all these years cause ill just be disappointed, but I haven't... its hard to explain. I hate him when he's an absentee dad who doesn't know me and isn't part of my life, but when I DO talk to him or see him that all disappears... I just eat up every minute that we are together or talking. Its like Ive taught myself to love the good and ignore that bad. Some kind of emotional self-preservation I guess. I had to cancel going to a party I was supposed to go to last night which I felt kinda bad about, but I see my dad so infrequently... It was my step-mom's birthday yesterday so we took her to dinner at Mario's in Union. A good time was had by all.

The thing with my dad is that he is such a charming, charismatic, fun guy to hang out with, and he says all the right things... you cant help but love him and have a blast when he's around... he really makes you forget why you thought he was a scumbag in the first place.... until he leaves and doesn't call again for another year... then you remember. I told him that he has to start making a mandatory minimum of 4 visits per year to see us now that he is retired... it might not work, but maybe Ill get one visit per year out of it, and that would be better than once every five years which is what Ive always had. I also told him he has to call me once per week, which I don't think will happen either, but it was worth a shot.

I had a great time. I wish he would stay forever. I would forgive all the pain of the past if he would just be around to be my daddy for the rest of the future.

Umbrage...

2007-01-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

Can you find me??

Im not sure what the issue is anymore...

People who went to BC and CU dont even undertand the exact relationship of these schools... there is no other relationship like it in the country. There is no other Ivy with a dedicated women's school incorporated into OR affiliated with it. The closest similarity is Harvard and Radcliff. Radcliff was Harvard's school for women... until Harvard absorbed Radcliff's student body and Radcliff gave up its charter and became a research institute. Barnard refused to give up its charter and thus remains "affiliated" instead of absorbed... They share resources, classes, faculty... some majors at CU are only offered at BC and vice versa (e.g.- if you go to CC and want to major in astronomy, you have to declare your major at BC). Its sortof a self-imposed "seperate but equal" arrangement meant to thumb our noses at the school that didnt admit women until well into the 1980s! (CC's reason, BTW, for being the last school in the country to admit women was that the women who desired to go to CU were adequately being served by BC. So I guess they thought we were Ivy enough until 20 years ago.) But CU deans still talk about the "three undergratuate schools of CU- Columbia College, (SEAS- the school of Engineering and Applied Science), and BC. So if the deans can figure it out...

I am very proud that I went to BC (for the record I applied to BC and CC and was admitted to both but chose BC because they gave me better financial aide). The moral is I took all my classes at CU, lived in CU dorms, was a CU varsity cheerleader (so clearly was was involved in activities too, just still grinding it out), there is only one graduation for all 20+ CU schools (which includes CC, SEAS, Barnard, and all the graduate schools, although the Barnard Dean is the only individual college dean that gets to speak at graduation other than the CU dean), and my diploma says CU. So because I was admitted to BC instead of CU and I took freshman seminar at BC instead of CU... that means I didnt share the ivy experience?? Thats for you to say and I dont really care what you think.

Either way IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER cause the point was it annoys me when ignorant people dont undertand that there are only 8 Ivys.

Which Barnard is not one of. But I lived and took classes at CC so... the CC kids can take all the umbrage they want- my diploma says what is says. If it said "Columbia College" they could take issue with it, but it doesnt. It says "Columbia University". Thats all it says. It does not say "Barnard College". So... I guess they should discuss their umbrage with their dean. If I didnt go to CU, someone should really tell the people who printed my diploma.

As for why it bothers me... Well I just dont like stupid people. =)-

Operation Ivy

2007-01-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

Im gonna try to do this without sounding like a pretentious snot, but I have to discuss something that really bothers me. I went to Columbia University. Thats an Ivy League school. (Well, technically I went to Barnard College which is one of the 7 Sisters, but Barnard and Columbia have a unique relationship and so my diploma says Columbia University.) But I need to set everyone straight about something. There are only 8 Ivy League schools: Harvard, Princeton, Yale, University of Pennsylvania, Columbia, Brown, Dartmouth, and Cornell. Thats is. Anyone who didnt go to one of these schools, wasnt in the Ivy League.

These 8 schools are so-named because they are they 8 oldest PRIVATE colleges in the country and they originally formed an athletic league together. (The "7 sisters" schools- Radcliff, Vassar, Wellesley, Smith, Bryn Mawr, Barnard, and Mount Holyoke, are so called because they were the first 7 schools admitting women). If someone tells you their school is "becoming Ivy" (which I used to hear all the time in college)... THEY'RE LYING... unless the school's dean has somehow figured out how to turn back time and have their college chartered before one of these eight. Technically William & Mary and Rutgers U are both older than Dartmouth and Cornell, but they are both public institutions and thus arent considered Ivies. They are considered "public Ivies" which means nothing at all other than that they are either very good or very old public colleges. It is an arbitrary assignment by the people who write US New and World Report. The "public ivies" include some other very good schools including UNC-Chapel Hill, UCLA, UT-Austin, and UVA, to name a few, but they cost half of what I paid and thus, have not suffered enough monetarily to be called Ivy.

There is another group of schools sometimes referred to as the "little Ivies". They include Amherst, Tufts, Wesleyan, and Willams to name a few. These students are among the most notorious for claiming that they went to an Ivy League school or that their school is "becoming Ivy". As the link details, this "little Ivy" title means nothing and refers to nothing other than that they are small, prestigious, competitive liberal arts schools. About 1/20th as many people apply to these schools as do to true Ivies, making them less competitive and thus they have not had to stress out enough to be called Ivies.

Then there are the Patriot League schools, which many people confuse for Ivy: Bucknell, Colgate, Holy Cross, Lehigh, Lafayette, American U, Georgetown, and Villanova. This is an athletic league, not an academic league. All these schools suck academically. Sorry. And they're overpriced. And these schools provide athletic and academic scholarships, which Ivies do not. Anyone who tells you they had an athletic or academic scholarship to an Ivy is lying. The Ivies offer money solely on a need basis. So I would say these schools are just too desperate to be called Ivies.

So I guess the moral of the story is this: You only THINK its the same going to an Ivy as it is going to another high power, prestigious institute of higher learning if you DIDNT go to an IVY. If you went to an IVY you know that somehow the cumulative effect of living through and "Ivy" degree is just different. The pressure to get in and to make grades and to graduate combined with the cutthroat competition, the kids who never sleep, the kids who take uppers all night to stay awake to study, the kids who rip pages out of books in the library so other people cant find the answers, the kids who bring their sleeping bags to the library, the honor system, the crime-filled neighborhoods that all the Ivies are in, and the overwhelming knowledge that you will be a failure to not only yourself but your whole family and your high school if you cant cut it here... When you go Ivy everyone else's expectations are wrapped up in you. Everyone brags about you and asks you for advice, which just adds more pressure cause you have no idea how you're not dead yet. Not to mention the sickening feeling you live with every day for 4 years as you stress about racking up 125,000 in student loans as you walk to class beside the incredible ubber-rich legacy kids and celebrities who arrive for class in limos for whom the tuition is a drop in the bucket, and the super-poor affirmative action kids who go for free.

There are 8 schools of people who understand this and who understand that it is somehow insulting for you to say "he went to an Ivy league school" when you mean he was smart and went to an expensive school like... say Lehigh. He might have gone to a really good school and worked really hard. But if it wasnt one of the Ancient Eight, it wasnt Ivy. Try to remember that.

Repeat after me: "Harvard, Yale, Princeton, U Penn, Brown, Columbia, Dartmouth, Cornell"

As a last note however, I will never encourage one of my children to go Ivy. I hope they want to go to Ohio state or Notre Dame or Penn State or somewhere like that where they can get a good education and have a ton of fun too. Ivy aint all its cracked up to be. Its just a lot of work. Which is another thing you dont realize till you've gone Ivy. These kids arent smarter or better... they just work REALLY, REALLY HARD...... ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

Daughter to Father...

2007-01-04T15:12:00.000-05:00

Music Video:

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

My dad is coming tomorrow. If you dont understand the gravity of that then you really dont know me at all.

Cant really explain how it makes me feel. Dont skip that video above- watch it. Or listen to it while you read. Its not perfect (there was never any physical abuse in my family) but the lyrics are pretty close to how I felt growing up. He's coming up from Williamsburg to put a header in my bedroom closet. Bout time he was good for somethin. I mean, since he didnt ever call. Or write. Or send child support. Or gifts. And since he didnt pay for my braces like he was supposed to... or any of my medical bills like the settlement said he should. And since he didnt pay any of the half of college or half of my computer he should have paid. And didnt help buy my first car. He did pay for about 1/5th of the wedding... guess you really shouldnt complain about what little you do get but... he did have the guts at that time to question why it was my mom who got to walk me down the isle and not him and why my mom and step-dad's names appeared on the invitations but his and my step-moms did not... Ill never have the balls to have the conversation with him, but if I ever did my answer would in some way involve:

"Money's real tight right now" he and his 3rd wife (with no dependant children) would always say from their gated-compound McMansion on the 18th hole while waxing his 67 Corvette. My mom and I lived in an apartment and shared a bed, she worked 2 jobs so I could take gymnastics and dance, we shopped once a month for groceries and made it last because she was too proud to go on food stamps, I stayed with a babysitter everyday after school until 6 or 7pm, and until I was 14 I never owned clothes that didnt come from Bradlees. But that wasnt the worst part. The worst part was that he was never there to threaten to beat up boys who broke my heart. And he never called to say I love you...

This visit was actually rescheduled from early December... he couldnt make it cause his wife's grown derelict kids lost their jobs and the house next door to his got broken into. Almost 27 years... I was a straight A student, a cheerleader, a prom princess, a homecoming queen nominee, I didnt do drugs, I went to an ivy league school, I put myself through my masters degree, I married an engineer from a good family, we bought a house in my hometown... When will I be good enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough? When do I get to be loved just because Im me, a little girl who just wants to be loved? When will it be my turn to come first?

Clearly not ever, but Ill see ya tomorrow afternoon Daddy.

Happy New Years Baby, (part 2)

2007-01-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

Highlights from New Years.... before I passed out drunken silly at 2:30am:

Sick...

2007-01-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

So New Years was great fun. However, Nick was sick and I think he managed to get the rest of us sick. Hubby and I have had the stomache flu since Monday night. I stayed home from work yesterday, but I had to drag myself there today. Hubby's still workin a half day today. What a way to start the new year! =/

Well anyway speaking of the new year, Im not much for New Years Resolutions (I hate the idea of resolving to do something for no reason other than because its a new year). However, I do have a certain feeling of optimism right now and a certain ammount of ambition to make a beter me in the next year than I was in the last, so in that vein...

Im going to start eating healthy and exercising again. All my medical BS from the summer seems to be under control, the house is purchased and decorated... I have no stress to use as an excuse now. Time to get up off my fat butt. I dont need to have a Baywatch body, but my self confidence suffers from these extra pounds and I think it would give the sex life a boost too. I will not worry about quitting smoking for now. I smoke so little as it is since the move... I think a human should only try to tackle one demon at a time lest they set themselves up for failure. I am also going to try to make sure I stick to a cleaning schedule for the house and that I make time at least once every 2 weeks to do something for myself. Thats all.

Well, Happy New Year's Baby...

2007-01-01T16:55:00.000-05:00

Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on
Someone stole my shoes
But there's a couple of bananas and a bottle of booze
Oh, well happy new year's baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new...

Long December

2006-12-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

Words and Music by Adam F. Duritz

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should

To the left, to the left... Everything you own in a box to the left...

2006-12-11T08:02:00.000-05:00

Everything I own is in boxes. All of these boxes are in my new house. They surround me and overwhelm me. I have most of the family room, dining room, and kitchen unpacked. The rest of the house however looks like a war zone. I actually got dressed in the living room this morning. And we dont have curtains yet.

I was (cough, cough) "sick" on Friday so I could stay home and wait for the cable company, phone company, couch and sectional delivery people, and the bed delivery people. I also had to put a second coat on the bedroom at 8am before the bed delivery people got there. Crazy day. Of course the couches and the cable got here at the same time and the cable guy ended up having to wait in the kitchen for like a half hour while they tore down the molding to the family room in order to get the sectional in. Oh, that was right after they ripped the living room couch gettin it in the front door (they're coming to exchange it next weekend). If and when we ever sell this house its gonna be sold with the sectional in it. Everything else went mostly OK. Hubby got most of the bathroom finished except for one missing piece under the sink which seems to only be available and in stock in an alternate dimension.

Moving day went well. My stepfather wrangled all the hungover boys quite effeciently. The highlight of moving day was definitely watching the boys get the king size pillow top mattreess up the stairs (which turn at a 90 degree angle as they go up). First they rammed Broski's foot between a step and the mattress and couldnt get it loose, then Nick made a comment I wont repeat about "giving birth" to the mattress, and then for the finale this exchange:

Matt & Nick (from bottom of steps): OK, on the count of three
just tackle the shit out of it. Ready?
Brian (sitting on top step with one foot under mattress): NO!
Matt & Nick: One...two...
Brian (scrambling to get up): I SAID NO!
Matt & Nick: ...three!
Brian: AAAGGGGGHHH!! (as the mattress rolls directly over him and up into
the hallway.)

Good times.....

Untouchable face...

2006-12-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

He's not coming...

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

Someone will get a letter to your soul...

2006-12-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Reminded me of this blog...

They published your diary
And that’s how I got to know you
Key to the room of your own and a mind without end
And here’s a young girl
On a kind of a telephone line through time
And the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend

So I know I’m all right
my life will come my life will go
Still I feel it’s all right
Cause I just got a letter to my soul
When my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say each life has its place

The hatches were battened
Thunderclouds rolled and the critics stormed
Battles surrounded the white flag of your youth
But if you need to know that you weathered the storm
Of cruel mortality
A hundred years later I’m sitting here living proof

So you know it's all right
Your liife will come your life will go
Still you feel it’s all right
Someone will get a letter to your soul
When your whole life was on the tip of your tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughed in your face
Did you hear me say each life has its place

Fading everything to Black and Blue...

2006-12-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

Um... I wanna go home. Its 11am. I have been at work since 7:45. Between 7:45 and 9:30 I:

scored 3 standardized tests
wrote a letter to a district substantiating a claim for a student
presented a paper
attended a staff meeting
checked email and blog

Ive seen 3 students since 9:30. So far since my first session this morning at 9:30:

My first kid laid on the floor in full restraints, kicking, screaming, and hiting us for the duration of the 30 min session.
the next student coughed on us and spit at us and then made himself vomit into a trash can for half the session becasue he didnt want to work, then he cried through the rest of the session
My third student is a teenage boy who had his hands in his pants so feverishly that he actually probably managed to rub one out under the table right before he "wiped" his hands off on my shoulders. Then punched me about17 times in the arm. Then kicked under the table for 30 min straight. All of which I had to ignore becasue its attention driven.

Since Monday I have been going to sleep at 12 or 12:30, waking up at ten after 6, working till 4-4:30, and spending the rest of the night painting, cleaning, assembling furniture, etc. The going home and doing it all over again the next day. In the last 2 weeks at work I have had an IEP and progress note to write, an augmentative evaluation to do, an ST re-eval to do on a 20yr old student who's graduating, a vocational assesment scale to write and present, and a AAC referral to write. ON TOP of maintaing my full caseload of 32 sessions a week, graphing, writing in journals, making step changes, gathering materials, and trying to fix Corky's blog. =)

Im on my last ounce of patience and if one more kids hits me, kicks me, slaps me, coughs on me, or screams through my session Im either hitting 'em back or breaking down in tears.

Im so happy for my new house but im buring the candle at both ends here and I cant do it much longer. Ill be shocked if Im not sick by the end of the week.

All I want for Christmas...

2006-12-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

...is a garbage disposal. Seriously. We are broke now and I dont think we can afford it if I dont ask Santa. So here is my grown up Christmas list:

Dear Santa,
1. I really really want a garbage disposal. Preferable installed.
2. I would also like new carpet.
3. And if you have time could you throw in an HDTV stand that would be fantastic.

Thank you.

P.S- A new iPod whould also be great, but I understand if you can't fit it on the bill this year.

Love,
Tuesday

It ends tonight...

2006-12-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

Kinda feelin this song right now.

The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings...

2006-12-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

Lets talk about memories for one brief second. When i was younger I had a memory like a steel box, but as I have gotten older it seems like my memory is more like a steel siv. Things I never thought I would remember have stuck with me. Things I never thought I would forget I seem to have drunk away years ago. The memories that seem to have remained the most accurate over the years seem to be memories of feelings and emotions, sights, even smells. There are moments I remember like they happened yesterday- fulcrum points in my life where a few words, a few inches, a few miles, a brief glance and everything could have been different. I think about those moments and wonder what my life would be like now if I had made that one small move in the other direction. Dont confuse any of this for regret- I live my life without regrets. I am happy with every decision I have made becasue they have written my story, shaped my experience and made me who I am. I have fulfilled so many of my dreams. I have a wonderful family, a beautifu home, a fantastic Hubby who makes me grow every day and makes me a better person, a great education, and a job that I love going to every day. There are just some things that I wish I could remember a little more clearly than I do. It seems like there's parts of ME that I have let slip away becasue I have let the memories slip away. I am tyring to make a consious effort to remember these moments as we move into our first home so that I dont find they have slipped away too a few years down the line. I dont think I will though... there are just some thigs a girl never forgets.

"There's things I remember, and things I forget..."

We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day...

2006-12-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

So the house is coming along nicely. We have spent like 1500 dollars at Lowes, Home Depot, and Linens N Things in the last 2 days, but I think we're pretty much done now. We've painted the garage, assembled a BUNCH of furniture, taken doen the wallpaper in one of the bathrooms, put up some light fixtures, and had our washer, dryer, and fridge delivered. The fridge is so rockin! Our washer sux cause it doesnt work... gotta call Sears about that tomorrow. Hubby got his vacation changed to this week after all so he's gonna be home working onthe house all week. Gonna try to get the carpet done this week too- I think Im gonna call "800-588-2300-EMPIRE". Guess their jingle worked! Anyway Im tired... but still excited to see it all come together!

The highlight of the past few days was definitely watching G, the girl who didnt even own a screwdriver a few years back and waited for her friends to come over to change lightbulbs and assemble coat racks, ASSEMBLE A CHAIR. Thats right, all by herself with only moderate verbal prompting. The opened the box, located all the parts, followed the directions and completed the IKEA-esque assembly of one of my dining room chairs. And it was perfect! But if I know G, this wont be the start of a brand new day of independance. While she now knows she CAN do it, I have a feeling she would still prefer to turn on her charm and bat her eyelashes until some sucker (like me) offers to do it for her. I cant comment. She does have a cute smile. =)

Its all just drunk sincerity...

2006-12-02T00:15:00.000-05:00

Please pardon the grafic nature of thisblog and any spelling errors contained herin.

I am quite drunk right now and Im not even sure how it happened! I swear I only had 2... err 3... drinks and 2 shots of Jeger... Oh well! Clearly toodrunk to spellcheck or type correctly!

Just wanted to say that the closing went fantastically and quickly and we are now first time home owners! In addition... no not NEW additon... IN addition... just thought i would add that we "warmed" the house like champs tonight. I cant recall in my current state all the best instances of sex I have ever had... there is a night last spring in the stairwell of the apartment that stands out, and a night this summer on the hood of my car in the complex that comes through loud and clear (the dent is still visable), but tonight would definitely have to make the top 3! Slightly drunk sex is so damn good. All you non drinkers out there dont know what you're missing. At any rate, the kitchen and family room are now quite sufficientlly "warmed"... on to the upstairs tomorrow night! =)

Today was a great (if long and stressful) day. Night y'all!

Good luck...

2006-11-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

This is it. Tomorrow is the big day. We have the walk through at 9:30 and the closing at 12:00. After the walk through I have to go to the bank and conjur up a certified check for nine thousand some odd dollars in closing costs and then spend the next few hours signing my life away. Im anxious. Not scared really and not nervous. Just anxious. I drove past the new house tonight and saw the current owners in the empty house just walking around and looking at the walls. It was their first home and they have lived there for 37 years. They are moving to Rhode Island to be near their daughter... This is hard for them. It must be very hard...

Quick funny story- The day before Thanksgiving I orderd a buffet and hutch for the dining room but it was backordered till January 9th so I put the new house's address as the shipping address since we will obviously already be in by then. Then Monday we get a frantic call from our realator saying the lady who lives there is freaking out cause a very large package for us was just delivered to her house... so much for it being backordered till January 9th! It got here from Illinois 4 days after I ordered it. I can't even get a letter mailed accross town in that time! I think she must have felt like "we're not even out yet and these crazy kids are already moving their stuff in". I think she felt pushed out of her own home. Well that and she was having the carpets cleaned and had nowhere to put it... I didnt have the heart to tell her that the first thing we are going to do is rip the carpets out. =) Wish me luck!

When are you comin home?

2006-11-27T08:13:00.000-05:00

So did I ever tell you what happened with us leaving the apartment complex?

Well after what happened in September at the complex, I wrote a very, very professional sounding letter to the managers of the complex telling them that we were going to be out effective Oct 31st and that they could keep our November rent, since we had already paid it, and our security deposit, (which I thought was 1/2 months rent, about $600), since we were indeed leaving early. In a very nice manner I basically said "keep this money, but dont call us again or we'll sue you". It was really much nicer than that... stated leagal statues supporting our claims that they broke the lease by entering without permission and endangered our safety by leaving the keys... Anyway, so I never hear anything back from them. Move out day rolls around and I call to find out where to turn in my keys and the secretary checks and we are indeed on the re-rental list, so Im not gonna push the issue... could they really be going along with this?? (The one manager I had spoken to at the time said in 20 years he had never seen them just release someone form a lease without reprocussions.) We cleaned every inch of every wall in the apartment with Mr Clean Magic Eraser before we left- it actually looked better than when we moved in, but I didnt want them to be able to find any reason to charge us for repairs. OK, so we move out and when I go turn in the keys the lady asks me to leave my forwarding address to they can send us our security deposit back. I figured she just said that to everyone and didnt know our situation, but I left it anyway.

So every time the mail came for the next 3 weeks I kept waiting to see a letter saying the complex was suing us for breaking our lease. Lo and behold, early last week the doorbell rings and the mailman says "I have a certified letter for you from (the complex), you need to sign for it." FFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!! So I do , and I open it and inside is a statement that says "Outstanding balance: $2800.00" OHMIGOD! How could we owe them $2800?? It says something about one months rent (1100), security (1600), keys (50), interest (20)... or something like that. I started to freak out... and then I unfolded the rest of the page.... AND THERE WAS A CHECK FOR $2800 ON THE BOTTOM!!!. They had sent us EVERYTHING back- Novemeber's rent, our security deposit and interest, our key deposit... everything. Hubby rushed to the bank to deposit it before they couild realize it was probably an error. Although the top pf the page had a note that said "No fees as per Mr. (the guy I had writtent he letter to)", so my mom says it was probably just one hell of a letter. (Thank you Mrs Norris, my 6-8th grade English/G&T teacher! I hated you then, but I love you now!)

So anyway, because we can now afford our closing costs, in 3 days this will be my new house:

Living room
dining room
family room
kick ass kitchen
master
one of the spares
one of the baths
backyard

Im totally excited to get the ball rolling, but a little scared about all the money... but there's no turning back now!

On certain Sundays in November...

2006-11-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

Went to see out goddaughter (she's 8) perform in High School Musical tonight. Have you seen this show? Ohmigod I dont think I can handle anymore wholesomeness in one day. Not to mention she sang the soundtrack on her kareoke machine all day today and on Thanksgiving. I now know every sappy Disney-at-its-finest moment by heart. But she was very very cute. She played a cheerleader and got to be on top of the pyramid, which she made us reenact in her living room over and over again... It was also her 8th birthday party today, so we did the family thing all afternoon.

Hubby's bro was supposed to come but didnt under the pretense that he had to fix his car... but I think he just didnt feel like going. Thats foreign to me. As a people pleaser I simply cannot understand not fulfilling an obligation just because you dont feel like it. Like any of us wanted to go watch a middle school play today... but we went and had a good time laughing anyway.

On another note... the Giants blow. How can you blow a 21-0 4th quarter lead?? Frickin Eli...

I'm all messed up, that's nothin new...

2006-11-25T21:23:00.000-05:00

*This is verbal diarrhea. It should have been 5 posts. Sorry.

I'm in a bad mood. Not for any one particular reason. I'm not even sure if I have a reason at all. Just in a bad mood. I woke up at 9 today, which is fine, but after waking up at 4am on 4 hours sleep yesterday I guess I would have preferred to sleep much later. The alarm on my phone went off one time and hubby reached over to grab it and shut it off immediately. Guess it must have been annoying him. :/ I spent like 40 min last night updating iTunes so I could update my iPod this morning and then the stupid thing started auto updating so fast after I connected it that I didn't have time to remove anything so now its over full and I don't know what copied and what didn't.... All this so I could go outside and discover that my iPod radio receiver crapped out and the batteries in it exploded so I couldn't listen to the iPod anyway. Arg. Then I went to pick up my mom and she was running 25 min late. ARG... I spent the day in Staten Island reupholstering chairs for my friends' dining room. For those of you who don't know, my mom and I run a small, under the table, furniture reupholstry business. We do couches, chairs, drapery, etc. Last year we did a hair salon and a shoe store actually. We're pretty good and we should charge way more but since we only do it sporadically when we have free time and only advertise by word of mouth its difficult to justify charging more, especially since most of our jobs are friends or friends of friends. The job today was fairly easy, 6 dining room chairs. Just time consuming. It took us six hours. And I was under pressure to get done quickly since my mom had somewhere to be at 6pm. Whatever, it was fine. I made 300 bucks. Then I had to rush mom home and play stenographer for her typing up the speech that she was making tonight while she dried her hair. Also fine. But still annoying.

My mother in law got home form Aruba tonight... she's all tan... I'm so jealous! We went to dinner at Fridays to welcome her home, which was fine. Have you tried the "grown up mac and cheese"? Its grilled chicken with this slammin 3-cheese mac and cheese with bacon in it. Soooo good... but definitely not on the diet. Now I feel like a fatty. Specially when you add the Tostado Nacho appetizer and a few mohitos on top of that. =) But I was already in a cruddy mood at this point. Hubby was buggin me in the car playin with the arm rest which kept hitting my arm. It shouldn't have annoyed me but it did cause he didn't stop even when I said "ouch".

Hubby talked to his dad tonight. His dad is basically living in Greece right now cause he is part owner of a shipping company there. But he doesn't come home enough. Hardly ever actually. Hubby asked if he was gonna come home the next week after we close on he house and he said no. (On a different note, MY dad is coming to help.... Yes I said MY dad. My real dad. He might be a self-absorbed negligent ass most of the time, but he's quite handy and is going to help us widen a closet and put in a header. I'm actually very happy/excited about that. I've been waiting 25 years for him to be of some use in my life. He sure wasn't for the wedding... I guess dad is really another post altogether...). Anyway Hubby's dad is also not coming home for Christmas... for the second year in a row. Any he wasn't here for Thanksgiving or Easter either. I think his mom is ready to blow a gasket, but she would never show it. Whenever this comes up I get upset, although I guess I shouldn't cause its not MY dad. It just pisses me off. I know his dad would give us anything... He's giving us our down payment for Christs sake. But I guess it upsets me cause its like... He's missing out on all the growing up of his kids... and he's not here to help his wife or his sons with things, or even just to be there at night to say "how was your day". He missed Hubby's little bro's birthday and didn't call for Thanksgiving... and his wife had lost 80 pounds since the last time he saw her the last time he came home and he didn't say a word. Nothing. Its kinda like Hubby's dad and my dad are just as absent even though Hubby's parents are still married and he COULD be here is he really tried. He spends 11 months of the year working over seas because the pay is so good... but what's the point of all the money if you can't enjoy it with the people you love? Sigh. It annoys me. Why cant people be better people?

So I went into dinner all annoyed and contemplative and then it comes up that Hubby took the week of Dec 11-5th off work instead of the 4-8th which I asked him to take. I wanted everything done before we move in on the 9th, but... he said something about not wanting to spend his vacation working all day every day on the house... but the way I see it, the point of taking time off at all was to work on the house like crazy for one week so there wouldn't be anything left to do when we move in. In his opinion there is "not that much to do", but I think there is and, well we've fought about it several times in the last few weeks and... well it probably wouldn't have ticked me off if I wasn't already annoyed. It was just one more annoying thing.

Then I came home and checked my blog, and for like the 90 millionth time in a row... no comments. I know what I have to say is not as interesting or insightful as what you have to say but sometimes what you have to say isn't all that either and I come up with something to comment on just to stroke your egos and let you know that I'm out there reading. Birdman used to comment all the time but I don't think he has ever since I reprimanded him... without him there's no banter. I'm sure Hubby loves that but I only have a few faithful commenters on this blog and its not really any fun to have a blog that no one comments on.

And now Hubby is cranky cause I've been bitchy all night and he wants to go out tonight and I don't. When he's cranky he says hurtful things like "unlike some people I don't wanna spend my life sitting on the couch". Maybe not hurtful things, just normal things with a nasty tone. Ugh. Sometimes I just feel like I try and try to make people happy and I just fail and fail cause I don't know where to draw the line between when its OK to say no in favor of my own happiness and when its OK to put aside my own feelings and do things to make other people happy. I'm such a people pleaser. But I feel like I don't do anything well enough or right enough to make anyone happy. Especially myself. Like right now I need to get all this off my chest but I don't want to cause a fight... so I'm putting it here but Ill probably get a lecture for airing my dirty laundry in public. Heavy sigh. Can't win so I don't really care anymore. I worked all day for someone else, don't I have a right to decide what I want to do tonight? And when what I want to do is nothing, why does that have to mean I sit by myself in a room? Why cant I do nothing with someone? Why can't someone ENJOY doing nothing with me?

There's more, but... I'm just whining at this point.

I'm annoyed. Gonna wear PJs and curl on the couch with a pillow and chain smoke while I watch TV and wallow in my annoyed/depressive moment. Hope y'all have a very good night reading my blog and not commenting on it.

How sweet it is...

2006-11-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

So we got up at 4am today to go break the bank on Black Friday, and boy did we ever succeed! The plan was to go to Best Buy first and try to get the flat panel TV they dicked us outof last night, but there were approximately 2.3 trillion people on line at 4 this morning (the line at the Woodbridge store went around the building through 3 parking lots and ended near TGI Fridays), so we went directly to Sears instead. Sears was busy but managable. We managed to spend half of our joint monthly income in about 2 hours today. Seriously. We got a 0% interest till 2008 Sears card and bought our fridge, washer, dryer, hubby's huge Craftsman tool chest, and about 300 dollars in various and sundry tools. The we drove past 6th Ave Elect. and Circuit City and decided not to even bother with either becasue the half of NJ's population that wasn't at Best Buy was at those two stores. We decided to brave Best Buy anyway cause... well we really wanted that TV and the line had diminished considerable during our Sears jaunt. But alas, the TV that we wanted (which is regularly $1400) was still $1100 in the store and... it was sold out. AT 7AM!! So we went home, happy with our purchases but a bit discouraged about not having gotten our big new TV. So I sat down to check my email, and on a whim I though "lemme just check BestBuy.com again". Hehe! Last night the bestbuy.com Thanksgiving Night Only sale on that TV was $799.99. The price online was back to $1100 this morning but I noticed that I still had something in my cart from last night's online ordering extravaganza... and low and behold... I put in my info and the order went right through! For last night's price becasue it had still been in my cart! WOO HOO!! New TV for me!! Success at last! So Best Buy dosent suck so bad after all. =)

best buy sux

2006-11-24T00:09:00.000-05:00

blah... best buy sucks ass...

we tried to buy a 32in lcd tv today on bestbuy.com but the fOckers have the worst website and customer service ever. the website kept moving us in circles: sign in, select item, enter zip for shipping, enter shipping info, click "order now"...."please sign in"..."enter sip, enter shipping info, click order now...."please enter your zip code"... It went on like this for 2 hours. So we called customer service... waited 30 min for someone to pick up, waited another 10 to be connected to the Tv department.... got fOckin disconnected!! Twice!!

I understand its the busiest shopping day of the year, your people are busy, your servers are busy, but really... hire some temps and borrow some bandwidth.

oh well, gave up since i have to get up in 4 hours to go stand on line in the freezing rain at sears to buy a fridge, washer and dryer for the new house.

damn it sux to be poor-ish... the nice things are in reach but not without going through all this crap...

blah... freezing rain sux ass.

I did this last year to get an xbox 360 for hubby... waited at target in the freezing rain from 8pm till 6am. Yeah i finally got it, but that was one of the worst nights of my life.

blah...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T11:38:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

(Stolen from MySpace)

Things you can only say on Thanksgiving (well, in most cases anyway):

Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
How long do I beat it before it's ready

A Russian Jew American Impersonating African Jamaican...

2006-11-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

So I just entered Adam Duritz's blog under my links. I used to read it all the time in college (it was on the AOL message boards back then) but I havent read it in a while. Reading through his blog has reaffirmed that he's not only an awesome singer and songwriter, he's one fuckin funny-ass dude. I highly reccommend you read his posts from 9/12/06 and 5/15/04. I was laughing out loud so hard just now that hubby came from the other room to see what was up. Im pretty sure he thinks Im looney bins. Good times. Enjoy.

And everything he said is just impossibly crass...

2006-11-21T08:39:00.000-05:00

Did you guys see this this f*ckin piece of crap?? I should have known I would hate it becasue I detest Ali G, but I went last weekend anyway just to be social and becasue every single one of my friends wanted to see it. I am not easily offended. I have a mouth like a truck driver and there is no toipic too taboo to discuss with me. But this was a different kind of stupidity. I think the entire premise of his shtick (getting people to say stupid, racist, sexist, hurtful things on camera under the premis that the footage is for some kind of educational documentary) is assanine. And then fine, once its said, its funny... HA...HA... I dont think most of the teenagers coming to watch this understand Ali G's finer commentary on the stupidity of modern Americans... I think they just think its hysertical to watch people act stupid and be embarassed. Then you wonder why our children are out of control at school, running around like little psychopaths teasing and torturing and bringing guns to school. Kids (and other unnamed adults who have nothing to do with their lives but run around seeking some comedic attention) will see this movie and spend the next month quoting it all around the school yard, not realizing that the things they are saying are derogatory, discriminatory, and hurtful thereby just perpetuating the insane loop of stupidity that seems to motivate the youth of today. C'mon people... bringing your shit in a bag to the dinner table.... thats not even funny... Even if you were from some backwoods Romanian countryside you would figure out where it went... you might not know to flush but other thatn that its pretty self explanatory. I cant find humor in situations that dont have a degree of truth to them, and I found this movie utterly detestable. I actually fell asleep in the middle and left for the last 10 minutes casue I couldnt take it any more. Call me a killjoy if you must, but I am WAY above this crap.

It definitely makes my all-time Top 5 Worst Movies ever list.

Current Standings:

Borat
200 Cigarettes
Napolean Dynamite
Anything with with Will Ferell in it for more than 2 minutes.
Earth Girls are Easy

Goodnight Elisabeth...

2006-11-20T22:17:00.000-05:00

This blog used to be called Goodnight Elisabeth once upon time. Not for any particularly good reason except that it is one of my favorite Counting Crows songs of all time.

Have I ever mentioned that this is my favorite band? Well if not, Im sure that most of you have figured out by now that all of my post titles are song lyrics and 99.9% of them are Counting Crows songs. I fell in love with this band when I was 14. I picked up "August and Everything After" on a random whim one day, having not heard any of the songs because I was a gullible young consumer and the album had a "Rolling Stone Album of the Year" sticker on it... so I fugured it had to be good. I played that album on repeat for a three months during my last summer in Ohio. Learned every word by heart.

I havent met many people in my life who love this band the way I do. Most people hear "Counting Crows" and think of "that guy with the dreads" (Adam Duritz), Mr Jones, Round Here, and Long December. Some of the more savvy also manage to come up with Colorblind (becasue it was in Cruel Intentions), Accidentally in Love (becasue it was in Shrek 2), and Big Yellow Taxi (becasue its a Joni Mitchell cover that got lots of airplay). But to me this band is so much more. It has quite literally been the soundtrack to every significant event in my life, good and bad, since I was 14. They have served as best friend, therapist, drinking music, sex music, driving music... I could go on. Does everyone have a band like this? I mean I can literally find a lyric in their music for any emotion I am feeling. Hense the reason that I thought this blog should be CC themed. Conversely, I can also look back at the timeline of my life and associate at least one of their songs with every significant event or time period of my adolecence and young adulthood. So many of my memories are cemented to their songs.

Goodnight Elisabeth is one of those songs that I loved from the moment I first heard it. Its not the actual lyrics or the story the song tells that gets me, its more the emotions the song stirs up that make it hit home. Recovering the Satellites came out at a critical point in my life. I struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my teenage years and this song somehow captured how I was feeling at that time. (I probably had it on repeat for all of sophomore year or something).

My hubby finally pulled me out of my depression when we met and I havent really had to deal with it since, but I do still have anxiey issues from time to time, usually related to stress and fear of failure and unhappiness. Goodnight harkens to a very specific set of emotions for me and I eventually realized that while it may be on of my favorite and most powerfully meaning songs, this blog is more than those feelings. So I changed it. But that song will always take me back to that place.

You're beautiful, its true...

2006-11-20T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today's a prime example of the reason I never post... all my brilliant ideas and deep thoughts occur in the car (usually while listening to Dave, Counting Crows, or the Fray) and by the time I get to a computer with a spare 15 minutes to type it up, the thoughts are completely gone and even mentioning them at all seems half-assed. Like this morning there was something I wanted to say about how all women want to hear is that they are beautiful and smart and loved and apreciated, to a certain extent whether its true or not. We don't need to hear it all the time, and I'm not saying we don't want to hear anything else (all the bad stuff)... we do and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that from time to time we need to hear that things spoken aloud that we know intrinsically anyway. We just want to be validated and we need external reinforcement in the form of praise from our loved ones. There was more sentimentality that went along with that but its gone now.... it had something to do with James Blunt's "Beautiful" and the line "I wish I was beautiful..." from Mr Jones. Anyway everyone go home and grab your woman and look her right in the eyes and tell her how much you love her and that she's beautiful. You'll thank me tonight! =)

I might as well resign myself to try and make a change...

2006-11-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

So did you vote last week?? For the record I hate politics more than just about anything else in the world (see previous post from last year on politics, I thinks its called "Someday Ill be President"). However even with my hatred of politics and politicians I make it a point to vote in every single election- local and national. I even declared a party when I registered at 18 so I could vote in primaries and such, although I am actually the most middle-of-the-roader you will ever meet. Im registered as a democrat but I think I am actually an extremely liberal republican. I lean democratic with the big public issues (Im pro choice, pro stem cell research, pro gun control, pro gay marriage, pro universal health care, pro environmental protection, and strongly feel we should separate church and state so Im anti prayer in school). However I lean republican with some of the more global/economic policy/ military issues (I think free speech SHOULD have SOME limits (e.g.-flag burning should be illegal), I think the Pledge of Allegiance should remain unchanged, I think affirmative action has gone way too far and is counter productive at this point, I am for raising the minimum wage but do not think raising taxes is a good way to fund the governments debts, I also think we should MYOB when it comes to intervention in the goings-on of other countries- we do not need to be solving the worlds problems for them, Im pro death penalty, and for increased military and defense spending). And while I think government should be smaller and less invasive in private business (republican) I think it should also be less controlling of individuals lives and choices (democratic).

My step-father is a conservative republican and my mom a liberal democrat. I think hubby could be characterized as a liberal republican and myself a conservative democrat. My in-laws and grandparents are fairly conservative Catholic republicans, but I grew up as a campaign worker for my best friends father (the mayor of my hometown), who was a liberal Jewish democrat. So anyway you look at it when my family goes to the polls, our votes all cancel each other out. Unlike my mom though I WILL vote for someone from any political party if I feel they have the best plan or message and yes, I actually do try to watch the debates and follow the races to figure out who to vote for instead of blindly voting down party lines.

At any rate, last week when I went to vote it was a much more complicated process because I had to go back to the town where our apartment was (even though Im not living there anymore) because I haven't officially changed my address yet. I had to go to city hall and find out where my voting location was (for the address I no longer live at), then drive to that location. Then they couldn't find my name on the list so I had to wait- turns out it was still under my maiden name. So after a bunch of confusion I was finally able to vote.

I voted for Linda Stender. Not because I particularly cared about her message but because I was kinda impartial and the other guy ran a campaign centered around the slogan "Stender is a Spender".... C'mon people, what is this... The playground in 4th grade? I didn't want a schoolyard bully in charge of my local government, so I voted for Linda. She lost. Arg..

Anyway, every election day I am reminded that while the choices are inevitable crappy every year, (last presidential election nearly killed me-- Bush or Kerry?? Jesus Christ!!! That was like choosing between Dumb and Dumber!!) the right to have a say in who makes our laws is a right that was fought for long and hard by our founding fathers who opposed tyrannical rule by Kings and Queens so passionately that they sailed around the world for it, then fought a war or two to protect that right. Not to mention that as a woman (or African American if applicable) the right to vote was even harder earned. I know that our actual say in government is hindered by the electoral college and corruption in Washington, but its principal that people have died for the right to have a say in their government. We as lazy modern Americans have no reason not to get up off the couch and drive to our local middle school a few times a year to put our two cents in. Even if it means having to drive to a different town, go to city hall, and wait on line for a few minutes. Its important people!! Exercise your right!! Rock the vote!

just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream...

2006-11-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

I regret the unlucky circumstaces of the past several days which have led to my absence from the blog world. Im pretty sure Birdman is mad at me and could care less whether I blog right now, and I think Corky is bound by ink to take his side in the matter, but it would seem that some of my other readers have been wondering where I went. Its progress note time at my school which is sorta like report card time for the rest of the public school world and I have been swamped and work and beat once I get home. Ive also been trying to exercise fairthfully again and dealing with some issues between my grandparents and my mom, my stepfathers birthday, a visit from my mom's crazy suicidal best friend, some furniture shopping, refinishing a dresser, and a rather heated fight going on between my two best friends. Ive been meaning to blog about so many things... there was one on voting that I started and never finished, one about the Rutgers-Louisville game I really meant to start, another about the futility of hanging out at bars which was fully flushed out in my mind and never made it to fruition... Still kinda wanna write these but Im not sure... the moment may have passed... Ill be back soon y'all.

I always remind people of.. who is she?

2006-10-30T09:07:00.000-05:00

Guys DO THIS and post it in your blogs. Its awesome, and I would say FAIRLY accurate (if maybe a little generous).

Good luck movin' up cause I'm MOVIN' OUT!

2006-10-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's the big move out of the apartment complex... and into Hubby's parents house. People laugh when I tell them but I really think it will be OK. His mom is cool and its only for 1 month anyway. The worst part really is going to be sleeping on Hubby's old bed again. I used to love that bed before we had our king-size pillowtop monster. The two of us in a full bed for a month is going to be interesting. Im sure one of use will inevitably end up on either the couch or the floor by the end of the month.

So we rented a truck and we have it from 7am-2pm tomorrow... during which hours it is supposed to pour down rain the whole time. Lucky us. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come... like is it gonna blizzard in December when we move into the house??

Sunday the women (both moms and me and some friends) are going back to the empty apartment to wash down the walls and spackle and do some touch up painting and sweep and Windex and scrub the bathroom and kitchen and... you get the picture. We're gonna try to leave it perfect do they cant get us on anything. Specially since for now they seem to be going along with our offer to pay them for Nov let them keep the security deposit as half of Dec if the dont makeus pay the remainder of the lease after that. Cross your fingers for us and pray that they re-rent it fast so its a non-issue.

Anyway Im not sure what my computer access will be like for the next month. It takes me a while to write these blogs and Ill have to fight Hubby and his bro and his mom for the computer for the next month. But Ill do my best.

For Good

2006-10-27T07:54:00.000-05:00

If you havent seen this show go see it NOW. You dont know what you're missing. Ive been playing this album over and over while packing. This is the best song ever. Lyrics below, just in case you're too lazy to watch the video. But you should.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet againIn this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.